Children developing bad habit - when is that?
Self soothe - when is that?
-------------------
"Don't attend to your baby all the time, you will develop bad habit of the baby to depend on you too much"
"Your baby needs to learn to self soothe, need to start right here right now!"
"Let your baby cry for 5 minutes before attending to her"
Those are the comments that I get.
-------------------
Social circle's attitude also plays a heavy factor - if the parents succumb to it of course. If the parents are strong-grounded, then social circle wouldn't affect them as much.
For example:
Since newborn, you bounce the baby to sleep, always
You have tried other methods, it just does not work
You never let the baby cry it out
The baby, now older, only wants to be bounced to sleep
Your social circle's people keep on telling you 'well thats because you bounce your baby to sleep. Now it becomes her bad habit'
Suddenly it is all your fault, you created bad habit for her
You silently protest 'but thats because she can't sleep using any other methods!'
'You should let your baby cry it out, she need to adapt to it. It would 'break' her bad habit'
That was me
But at almost 6 months, I tried the dummy on her, and it works!
I put on new swaddle on her, it seems to work!
I put white noise on -
suddenly baby fall to sleep on her own!
What was it to say about the 'bad habit' that I have created?
-------------------------
Let me break it down for you
Most of the time, Baby slept after being bounced = Fact
At those times, Baby could not sleep when pat shoosh in cot = Fact
You have created bad habit = Perception of social circle
Baby can ONLY sleep after being bounced = Perception of you as parents
Last two are perceptions - they are not facts - it is a dangerous mental trap
First one made you feel like you suck as parents
Second one made you feel like you are stuck / hopeless
In this case, I managed to find other ways to make the environment comfortable AND suitable for my baby's temperament, which enables her to sleep.
But the above is a simple example. I am sure there will be more of other examples that are less straightforward, especially as the child gets older.
---------------------------
In the future, when your child behaves certain ways - who is to say that is *BECAUSE* it is your fault?
- you made them develop that bad habit
- you did not interfere / train them enough
I believe the truth lies in somewhere in between nature vs nurture
But the point is - how do you know?
- how do you know that behavior is predominantly because of you letting the baby develop that bad habit
- how do you know that behavior is not because of the baby's dominant nature?
- how do you know that if you turn back time, you get other parent to parent your baby, that your child will behave much better?
- how can your social circle be so sure?
The thing is, you will NEVER know. You will never be able to turn back time.
So why fret, why spend all those times, succumbing to society, beating yourself up for creating that bad habit?
Why spend all those times, thinking at 'what you could have done'?
The thing is, do believe that you really have done the best, based on the resources you got at the time, based on what you know how.
You gather as much views, opinions, and try to understand why they see it that way
Then you make your own decision
You pick the parental methodology that suit you, your heart, your values, your circumstances
You learn to trust your instinct
At the end, you really try your best
Whatever the outcome is, whatever the outcome
----------------------------------
My view is
- For the first 12 months, I will NEVER worry about spoiling the baby too much
- I am NOT worrying about developing a bad habit for her at all
- Upto 12 months, I do not believe baby's brain is capable of manipulation, or developing 'habits' - behavior that is hard to change later on
- I do believe babies can get 'used' to certain things - but I dont necessarily think it to be a 'habit'
- I care more about making sure that I am making her feel emotionally secure
- Yes I WILL try to attend to her every emotion - whether its whimper, happy, upset, etc - as much as physically possible for me
- I want her to know that I got her back. I want to share delight with her being happy. I am there to comfort her when she is upset.
- Now that is being a priority, the only other equation is my OWN life - whether I have eaten or not, house chores, my own well being - exercise, food, etc.
- For my OWN life, I am prioritising my well being - because it is linked. But I am really taking it slowly. I do not want too much - my expectation towards the quality of my own life is really not that high. Because it is a balancing act. The more I want to beautify myself/the house/earn money more - it is more at the expense of the child - the less available I will be to the child.
- As I am expanding my OWN life sphere, I also do try to let the baby play on their own - because I do not want to impede to her exploration adventure.
- The balance is all about how I SEE it - what I need VS what I PERCEIVE to be what the baby needs. I will continue to adjust that as I see the baby developing. But I could not care less what my social circle thinks.
- Yes she currently may not survive in the childcare, but I try to minimise her childcare anyway. I believe currently her brain is NOT capable to develop that strong sense of independence - without the expense of feeling threatened / unsafe. But I DO understand that THAT Is only my perception. And I am still keeping an open mind. So I am still willing to put her in childcare. But currently MENTALLY I could only accept 1 hour per week to 'throw her' into the deep end.
- The whole notion of 'making' her self soothe is bullshit - because I dont believe that could be achieved without too much of an expense to your child's mental well being. Your child will just feel upset- and it affects her cortisone level / neurological part of her brain in handling stress - but your child will never consciously know or feel that being a 'self-soothe'. Self soothe means, baby figure out a technique to make herself calm - but the underlying is still perfectly comfortable / unaffected. I BELIEVE there will be effects in the underlying.
- I believe my baby will learn to self-soothe naturally as part of her development. As her brain develops more. I believe I should not worry about 'fastening that self-soothe department' quicker on her behalf - because if I do, I am afraid that will be of the expense of the child's mental well being, damaging her in some ways.
- So I will do it slowly, more naturally, and the way I feel comfortable in, as I see how comfortable does she take it -
- IT IS ALL ABOUT UNDERSTANDING WHAT THE BABY IS CAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING - its pointless to expect a baby to do something that she is not capable of (self soothe) - be realistic and keep learning on what your baby is capable of understanding, before you make decisions on how you treat your child
- I know she has to face the real world someday, but first 12 months is not the place for it.
- Of course, for me, there will be certain hardline boundaries - for example, firm decision of her not crossing the road on her own, because of safety reason.
- And the way they treat you - be aware that they may not be aware of it. Your child will never intentionally want to 'bully' you.
- You draw a boundary line on the way you do NOT want to be treated
- For example, your child pulling your hair - do you think the child is deliberate, does the child understand its a no means no? does the child understand why he/she can't do that? does the child is capable to understand why? Maybe its good enough for the child to associate 'no' to pulling hair - but in what ways you should do so, so that he/she doesn't feel hurt when you reprimand them when they pull the hair. If you go to far, do they understand why you are so mad at them? Do they feel that you don't love him/her anymore? I am sure there will be a whole very interesting world of 'disciplining' your child, which I would explore more as my baby grows.
No comments:
Post a Comment