Sleeps longer stretches
15th Dec night - Slept from 8am to 3am, then 5am, then 6:30am awake - so 7 hours stretch
16th Dec night - Slept from 10am to 12 am, then 4am, then 6:30am awake - so 4 hours stretch
17th Dec night - Slept from 9am to 12:30 am, then 5am - so 4.5 hours stretch
Still so good!! Better than 2-3 hours stretch!
Also not putting baby to sleep via boobs
Started with day-naps, making sure baby is fed full with breakfast & morning tea AND lunch (on the same day as Colleen's visit) and Alexis fell asleep without boobs, or needing to be rocked.
This is great because she will go to childcare soon and won't have boobs to put her to nap.
Then it leads to night sleep, was not deliberate to refuse boobs. But kind of wanting to stay consistent with the new rules (instinctively, I dont feel forced, just my decision) last night I fed her boobs JUST before putting her to bed (she is still awake and i cut her nails) and she whinges a lot less as she seems to really know the rules.
No boobs during the day
She alluded she wants boobs, but she doesnt protest or get angry as much as before. Again, feels like she seems to really know the rules now. She does however get grumpy, cup empty, and throw SO much things. I try to compensate, lots of solids, cuddles, lots of attention and hugs.
***
My influences - it seems to tick
Jillian said her baby wakes 1-2 each night, and she is exclusively breastfeeding & co-sleeping mother, with baby of the same age
Claire challenges that you don't have to stop breastfeeding entirely to get better sleep at night. She only limits breastfeeds first thing of day and last thing of day.
Claire asks me to promise her to not resolute with boobs firsthand and try other methods first.
Facebook Sept 2018 mothers posted their schedules so that I can see meal times really varies but also how many other babies really dont feed milk as often.
Jillian encourages to be more confident with our own parenting style, also introduces books that offers real values.
Reading Janet Lansbury / Magda - about having a real trust with your child, the way you perceive your child matters (she is capable to cope)
Claire shows how to handle baby cry and how Alexis's cry over truck toy dissipates a few seconds after we "hold" her emotions, without trying to distract, compensates, or override - we simply acknowledged.
Re-affirming my own gut instinct in what I think Alexis knows, how I think Alexis is dealing with this, how she reacts to my gradual communication about that I can't always give her boobs, how she gets really angry, and how I try to give dummy makes her even angrier (later I realises "shoving dummy" to shut her up is disrespectful and no wonder she gets angry!). I just dont believe in cold turkey method.
Colleen suggests how to wean breastfeeding during the day first, and discussed about making sure to give her lots of solids.
My increasing understanding of Alexis (compares to when she was 4 months) helped me to settle her to sleep with ways other than boobs. When her emotions take over (angry cry rage), the rhytmic bouncing up and down (in this case I bounce on mattress, which helps!) with consistent patting works, back then as 4 months old, and also now. The duration takes less and less.
Addressing the dilemmas of parenthood... and my take on it
Alexis's personality (observation at 15 months)
It has been so amazing and is a privilege to be able to observe the innate nature of my child, Alexis.
She hates being pressured. She is not the type that will succumb to peer pressure. Either she rebels (chuck the stuff and then stare back at you), gets angry, or leave (and abandon the whole thing). She shows that strong willed from very young (few months old).
In the first 10 months or so (before separation anxiety), Alexis is extremely smiley. But as she turns 1, she smiles less because she understands more. She has absolutely no pretence (im sure all babies dont pretend) - if she does not understand, she won't smile. She look at you in a confused look. But when she does get it, she gives you the biggest smile. She gives you the most serious look when she is manipulating objects.
Her temperament, character, and attributes have shown from such an early age, from newborn.
She is warm. She has that cheerful nature in her.
She has always been a smiley and happy baby (smiles since 4 weeks old).
She is not afraid to interact with strangers (chatting to two strangers for the entire 15 minutes when she was only 6 months old and I did not even know coz she was facing the other way and I was too busy chatting with my own friends, until the two strangers told me before they leave!)
She shows confidence in a lot of times.
She shows confidence in a lot of times.
She is also independent.
She is a born leader (not a follower), not afraid to make other people do stuff - lol.
Whilst she is not as physically explorative as baby boys in general - she is definitely not placid. With us, Alexis loves to test boundaries (her hobby! for example, she knows she is not allowed certain objects - like phone, sandals - when I noticed she is touching the sandals, I said dont do it! and she got so excited, run away on the spot, flapping her arms and say aaaaaarh. she also like to put her feet ABOVE the high chair table, when I said no she puts down her foot with a smile, and then she does it again and look at our face to get our reaction), likes to interact with people and also get reaction from people, loves anything to do with fine motor (manipulating objects) quite a lot. She loves pulling and pushing things, drawers, cables, anything of a hard object. Maybe because I buy a lot of those? lol its probably a chicken or egg theory. She gets really excited / her eyes lit up whenever she discovers something new in terms of object manipulation. She shows her soft side by kissing us, patting us, hugging her dolly & doggy. She loves us making dramatic gesture, or little gestures but have surprise component to it, and us making stupid, silly noises. Her laugh is the cutest thing ever - the best music to my ears. She shows her ba-bai side when she does something that she knows we wants (e.g. eating certain food, stacking things) and she claps to get us claps for her! lol. She loves interacting with strangers, staring at them, giving them stuff, getting them to do things (e.g. clapping). She has her jokey side and is just so so gao xiu (hilarious).
One thing I really notice, she shows the desire to be independent from such an early age.
She has the desire to takes charge, she would NOT let anyone put anything into her mouth, but is very gladly grab the spoon and put it into her own mouth. She would NOT let anyone brush her teeth, but is very gladly grab the toothbrush and put it into her own mouth, or my mouth!
She likes to copy people's gestures, she wants to do everything that the adults are doing. Example like drinking from a cup, mixing something in a bowl, put lipstick on lips, copy dancing when watching people dancing on TV, cheers. She just loves doing everything we do.
Sometimes she doesn't understand why she can't do what adults do(like opening a bottle lid, her fine motor is just not there yet) and so she gets very frustrated when she can't do it & throw the bottle out of frustration. Her perseverance is average (i won't say she is super determined), so when things get hard, often she just abandon it, rather than keep trying. It appears that she don't have that much patience. This is an area of improvement.
She goes into rage when she feels like she doesn't like the situation and is getting into a helpless stage. I calm her by either breastfeeding (but I use this too much) or rocking her so that she feels something greater than her own rage (i.e. the bounces) and that calms her and then makes her to go to sleep. We use the big bouncing ball a lot to make her sleep.
She does exhibit anger emotions - something I need to teach her how to manage.
She does exhibit anger emotions - something I need to teach her how to manage.
She hates being pressured. She is not the type that will succumb to peer pressure. Either she rebels (chuck the stuff and then stare back at you), gets angry, or leave (and abandon the whole thing). She shows that strong willed from very young (few months old).
Alexis is also a thinker and is a massive observer. Often, in a new environment, she would be one of the quietest. Whilst you see other babies already crawling / walking around, discovering objects, but you will see Alexis just stay still and barely responsive. There are so much things to see, she just goes into a complete immerse mode, absolute quiet and she also doesn't move much. She is definitely "think before she acts"- type of person. She needs to be familiar, comfortable (finish observing) the environment, before she start moving around, interact with people, playing with objects. Note she definitely pays attention to the people first before she goes to explore to any objects.
In the first 10 months or so (before separation anxiety), Alexis is extremely smiley. But as she turns 1, she smiles less because she understands more. She has absolutely no pretence (im sure all babies dont pretend) - if she does not understand, she won't smile. She look at you in a confused look. But when she does get it, she gives you the biggest smile. She gives you the most serious look when she is manipulating objects.
---------
Because of her strong will, she, more than average babies, really need a close guidance, particularly when she gets herself into undesirable situation & how to manage her emotions when its all over the place. When she is facing adversities, when she is not skilled yet, she need to gradually learn how to deal with that, and not let that get into her / making her too worked up / emotional - by first understanding what is happening with herself.
Her desire to be heard, get heard, is very strong. She tells you what she likes and dislikes. With me the mother as we build the trust, she is comfortable to tell me her moods, her discoveries, her journey. I feel very happy and privilege knowing that she trusts me enough to show me everything about her.
I very much let her lead the way. I am a strong supporter of whatever she does.
However when she is lost (you can tell by her start misbehaving, screaming, chucking stuff, throwing things, agitated) then I step up & take charge. I know during these moments, she needs capable adult to make the decision and give direction. Adult who is not afraid of her emotions, adult who step up, command a direction, set the environment is what she needs to narrow down / eliminate the confusion and makes her feels safe.
Sometimes when she hasn't gone into feeling emotional, say she cant open the bottle lid, she will give it to me and ask me to open it for her.
But when she feels emotional, then try to first acknowledge that emotion. But if you know she may not self soothe there and then. But you know she may not subside from that emotion, that you have to do bigger interference to help her soothe herself, either work on the perceived threat (whatever she cries about), if that doesn't help, then remove the object, if that still doesn't work, then physically change the environment (i.e. distract). At this age, whilst distraction helps a lot, try to have her confront her own feeling & the situation that makes her cry first.
It is a lot of work, energy and presence from an adult like her mom and her dad to assist them to grow to become a happy, self-confident, capable, well-balanced, well adjusted individual.
The realisation of baby crying & emerging confidence for me to navigate this tricky situation
The realisation of baby crying / self-soothe, it starts to make sense, and my own confidence/instinct to handle this tricky situation starts to emerge
--------
Before I was just blindly following the mantra - meet your baby's needs, provide her comfort and happy as much as you can. As a newborn, I think its great
Now I understand more. And plus baby is 15 months. Who knows when the "cut-off" ""ready-age" is but by now she can understand more too. It is very noticeable between 14-15 months that she has had a massive leaps in terms of what she can understand. It is hard to explain but as the mother, "I know" more than anyone else.
Now I can identify the three type of cries. It is definitely important to let the baby self-soothe, as in cry it out as a way to release tension. But if its done the wrong way, I still believe it can be damaging to the child too. Alexis goes into angry mode.
Then there is talks about my own boundary. If you are in the middle of drinking a cup, finish that cup before going upstairs and attend to your crying baby. Slowly your baby knows that other people have their needs too.
Can they distinct between people? yes of course.
Regarding what jillian said, in terms of your own boundary, you will know. That is the part where there is shark music from your past etc, and then your attempt to get 'sympathy' from other people by putting down yourself so so much. i really don't need to do that.
--------
Before I was just blindly following the mantra - meet your baby's needs, provide her comfort and happy as much as you can. As a newborn, I think its great
Now I understand more. And plus baby is 15 months. Who knows when the "cut-off" ""ready-age" is but by now she can understand more too. It is very noticeable between 14-15 months that she has had a massive leaps in terms of what she can understand. It is hard to explain but as the mother, "I know" more than anyone else.
Now I can identify the three type of cries. It is definitely important to let the baby self-soothe, as in cry it out as a way to release tension. But if its done the wrong way, I still believe it can be damaging to the child too. Alexis goes into angry mode.
Then there is talks about my own boundary. If you are in the middle of drinking a cup, finish that cup before going upstairs and attend to your crying baby. Slowly your baby knows that other people have their needs too.
Can they distinct between people? yes of course.
Regarding what jillian said, in terms of your own boundary, you will know. That is the part where there is shark music from your past etc, and then your attempt to get 'sympathy' from other people by putting down yourself so so much. i really don't need to do that.
Journey of me becoming a confident happy mom
Most important ingredient
Mom being happy, fulfilled, content is the most important ingredient
If i am not a happy person, everything flows through
The baby can feel it from you
You really gotta look after yourself, before looking after other people
That is the most important take-away message
You gotta be practical, realistic and work hard to establish a nice environment for your little family to the best that you can
Your positioning is so so imporant in life
(1) Your work / income
- your income
- your working hours
- your commuting hours
- you need to make sure you can achieve some kind of balance not to overwork but at the same time have sufficient income to support your lifestyle
(2) Your house / location
our house is not ideal but it is part of the package. so we just have to work with what we have got
we are allowed to whinge here and there but overall we just have to suck it up and try to do things we can control, such as improving the house, add ceiling fans, lighting, make it nice. Think about storage, really try to declutter and sort out your stuff. So that you can make your house the best possible thing, since you spend so much time in it (in my case to live and to work).
(3) Your people
This is arguably the most important, who do you spend time with? I am lucky that I have a great relationship with my husband. Our foundation is strong as a little nucleus family. Then you have your family - the people you cannot choose. For example, for the first seven months, Jack's mom has been terrible for my self esteem. I was vulnerable, lost, and also yearn a motherhood connection. But the more I open myself up, the more I get butchered by her perfectionist standard. I find myself become a lot more anxious, worried and less confident person every time she visits. Then I realised that she is generally not a very giving person, severely lack of empathy / understanding of people in general, and not comfortable being around with people who struggles. So that is her problem. The change that I made firstly is I've decided that I dont want her in my life as much. Gneerally I am the kind of person that operate better by myself anyway at the beginning, until I have the confidence to be able to tell people that yes I know what I am doing, this is my decision I am doing it this way and if you need to know, this is why. I better operate without her.
In terms of my own family, I want them to help me but at the same time I may not be able to give them what they want in return. My mum has high emotional needs, need feedback and consultation on every single thing. I am not able to provide that and if that becomes tricky and if not done right, become emotionally very draining for me.
So for that front, basically with your family you just have to draw the right amount of boundaries within yourself. Too much is not good. Too little is not good. Over time, you adjust that boundary with them, and that is OK.
Friends are a lot more open. You can choose the people that you want to interact with on regular basis. This takes work, if not more work. If you dont know each other well you won't go to their house and meet in public places. And then you have to fit your schedules to other people's schedules and feel bad if you run late, etc etc. And it also takes work, you may want to be close with them but they are not ready to open up with you. A lot of trial and error. That is all part of the process.
Though with the right friends, you are talking about finding the right people, finding the people that have similar values to you, similar parenting style, people you can talk to, people you can connect, people that can encourage and support you in that way, and you can support them too. That will be the biggest single ingredient. The more you find your people, the more you can thrive, less isolated, depressed, and can handle life's challenges better. It always feels better after you talk it out to someone who is willing to listen / can understand.
So that is the eco-system.
------------
In my case, I have a business I need to care for. Unfortunately I can't just bea stay at home mom who can cater for my Alexis 100%. But that just means Alexis will have to grow up sooner and mingle with the society sooner.
I need to form a plan that is going to be right for Alexis and that would be best to be formulated by me, by anyone else. And I have to trust my gut instinct.
Unless I become a confident mom, I will get swayed left and right over this tricky matter. Thankfully I am becoming that confident mom who trusts my own instinct and decision. That is some thing that is very important to be able to deal with these challenges. And I am certainly getting better.
Why having confidence & conviction matters
You are much more convincing if you truly believe in it. Your baby will sense it for sure too. If you are confident with your purpose, not too groggy with dropping your baby to the childcare, (they dont sense the anxiety). then they in turn will feel safer that way.
How to be an empathetic and firm leader. Firm = confidence & conviction. Empathetic = verbal, actions, etc.
-------
How do you ensure transitioning is smooth?
How do you develop connection with the child?
If the child is distressed, incosolable and gets really angry, what would you do?
Do you believe that child can cry over nothing,
How do you think child learn to self soothe?
What effort will you do, to console distressed child?
I am looking for a warm environment for my toddler.
----------
Mom being happy, fulfilled, content is the most important ingredient
If i am not a happy person, everything flows through
The baby can feel it from you
You really gotta look after yourself, before looking after other people
That is the most important take-away message
You gotta be practical, realistic and work hard to establish a nice environment for your little family to the best that you can
Your positioning is so so imporant in life
(1) Your work / income
- your income
- your working hours
- your commuting hours
- you need to make sure you can achieve some kind of balance not to overwork but at the same time have sufficient income to support your lifestyle
(2) Your house / location
our house is not ideal but it is part of the package. so we just have to work with what we have got
we are allowed to whinge here and there but overall we just have to suck it up and try to do things we can control, such as improving the house, add ceiling fans, lighting, make it nice. Think about storage, really try to declutter and sort out your stuff. So that you can make your house the best possible thing, since you spend so much time in it (in my case to live and to work).
(3) Your people
This is arguably the most important, who do you spend time with? I am lucky that I have a great relationship with my husband. Our foundation is strong as a little nucleus family. Then you have your family - the people you cannot choose. For example, for the first seven months, Jack's mom has been terrible for my self esteem. I was vulnerable, lost, and also yearn a motherhood connection. But the more I open myself up, the more I get butchered by her perfectionist standard. I find myself become a lot more anxious, worried and less confident person every time she visits. Then I realised that she is generally not a very giving person, severely lack of empathy / understanding of people in general, and not comfortable being around with people who struggles. So that is her problem. The change that I made firstly is I've decided that I dont want her in my life as much. Gneerally I am the kind of person that operate better by myself anyway at the beginning, until I have the confidence to be able to tell people that yes I know what I am doing, this is my decision I am doing it this way and if you need to know, this is why. I better operate without her.
In terms of my own family, I want them to help me but at the same time I may not be able to give them what they want in return. My mum has high emotional needs, need feedback and consultation on every single thing. I am not able to provide that and if that becomes tricky and if not done right, become emotionally very draining for me.
So for that front, basically with your family you just have to draw the right amount of boundaries within yourself. Too much is not good. Too little is not good. Over time, you adjust that boundary with them, and that is OK.
Friends are a lot more open. You can choose the people that you want to interact with on regular basis. This takes work, if not more work. If you dont know each other well you won't go to their house and meet in public places. And then you have to fit your schedules to other people's schedules and feel bad if you run late, etc etc. And it also takes work, you may want to be close with them but they are not ready to open up with you. A lot of trial and error. That is all part of the process.
Though with the right friends, you are talking about finding the right people, finding the people that have similar values to you, similar parenting style, people you can talk to, people you can connect, people that can encourage and support you in that way, and you can support them too. That will be the biggest single ingredient. The more you find your people, the more you can thrive, less isolated, depressed, and can handle life's challenges better. It always feels better after you talk it out to someone who is willing to listen / can understand.
So that is the eco-system.
------------
In my case, I have a business I need to care for. Unfortunately I can't just bea stay at home mom who can cater for my Alexis 100%. But that just means Alexis will have to grow up sooner and mingle with the society sooner.
I need to form a plan that is going to be right for Alexis and that would be best to be formulated by me, by anyone else. And I have to trust my gut instinct.
Unless I become a confident mom, I will get swayed left and right over this tricky matter. Thankfully I am becoming that confident mom who trusts my own instinct and decision. That is some thing that is very important to be able to deal with these challenges. And I am certainly getting better.
Why having confidence & conviction matters
You are much more convincing if you truly believe in it. Your baby will sense it for sure too. If you are confident with your purpose, not too groggy with dropping your baby to the childcare, (they dont sense the anxiety). then they in turn will feel safer that way.
How to be an empathetic and firm leader. Firm = confidence & conviction. Empathetic = verbal, actions, etc.
-------
How do you ensure transitioning is smooth?
How do you develop connection with the child?
If the child is distressed, incosolable and gets really angry, what would you do?
Do you believe that child can cry over nothing,
How do you think child learn to self soothe?
What effort will you do, to console distressed child?
I am looking for a warm environment for my toddler.
----------
Type of cry
Type 1 cry - obvious cry - physical needs unmet
hungry, tired/sleepy, fell down, teething pain
how to treat: attend to her needs
-------------
Type 2 cry - less obvious cry - emotional needs unmet
just had enough, tired, grumpy, overwhelmed, accumulated disappointments
note: often mistaken as 'fake cry/noise'
how to treat: often you dont know why she is upset, verbalise her frustration/upset, but dont tell her to stop crying, just be present & she will feel better after crying it all out as a way to release tension
-------------
Type 3 cry - immediate cry - whingey, disappointment, protest
you can tell, when she wants something and she didnt get it, she cry as a way to protest and express disapproval. this can also be when she saw baba/mama comes into room then they walked out.
note: often mistaken as 'fake cry/noise'
how to treat: be firm with your decision, stay present, verbalise her disappointed feeling "you are mad because i dont give you the glass bowl" - either you let her cry to release tension, or if the cry is just a whinge, distract.
unresolved: wean settling to sleep (i.e. to ensure day naps is possible without boobs)
unresolved2: less boobs during the day (i.e. top it up with lots of solids)
unresolved3: mom being away for extended period
unresolved4: baby can sleep at night time without being resettled by boobs
Why need to go to childcare
Day naps without boobs
Routine as close as childcare as possible
Letting baby have independent plays (and you stay in one spot) whilst the baby explores around
Get baby used to be in environment with other kids & other adults
Why need to stop breastfeeding
hungry, tired/sleepy, fell down, teething pain
how to treat: attend to her needs
-------------
Type 2 cry - less obvious cry - emotional needs unmet
just had enough, tired, grumpy, overwhelmed, accumulated disappointments
note: often mistaken as 'fake cry/noise'
how to treat: often you dont know why she is upset, verbalise her frustration/upset, but dont tell her to stop crying, just be present & she will feel better after crying it all out as a way to release tension
-------------
Type 3 cry - immediate cry - whingey, disappointment, protest
you can tell, when she wants something and she didnt get it, she cry as a way to protest and express disapproval. this can also be when she saw baba/mama comes into room then they walked out.
note: often mistaken as 'fake cry/noise'
how to treat: be firm with your decision, stay present, verbalise her disappointed feeling "you are mad because i dont give you the glass bowl" - either you let her cry to release tension, or if the cry is just a whinge, distract.
unresolved: wean settling to sleep (i.e. to ensure day naps is possible without boobs)
unresolved2: less boobs during the day (i.e. top it up with lots of solids)
unresolved3: mom being away for extended period
unresolved4: baby can sleep at night time without being resettled by boobs
Why need to go to childcare
Day naps without boobs
Routine as close as childcare as possible
Letting baby have independent plays (and you stay in one spot) whilst the baby explores around
Get baby used to be in environment with other kids & other adults
Why need to stop breastfeeding
15 months - Feeding
6:30am - Wake up
6:30am - Breastfeed
7:45am - 8:45am - Breakfast (a bowl of cheerios, full cream cows milk, peach)
11:00am - Morning tea (cheese stick, kiwi, a bit of passionfruit muffin)
11:30am - Lunch (rice, fish, celery)
12 noon - Nap (Slept by herself, no need nursing)
2pm - Wake up
3:30pm - Afternoon tea (cracker, strawberry rice cracker)
5:30pm - Dinner (rice, lamb, celery)
8:30pm - Supper (cracker)
10pm - Breastfeed
10pm - Sleep
1am - Breastfeed
4am - Breastfeed
6am - Awake
6:30am - Breastfeed
7:45am - 8:45am - Breakfast (a bowl of cheerios, full cream cows milk, peach)
11:00am - Morning tea (cheese stick, kiwi, a bit of passionfruit muffin)
11:30am - Lunch (rice, fish, celery)
12 noon - Nap (Slept by herself, no need nursing)
2pm - Wake up
3:30pm - Afternoon tea (cracker, strawberry rice cracker)
5:30pm - Dinner (rice, lamb, celery)
8:30pm - Supper (cracker)
10pm - Breastfeed
10pm - Sleep
1am - Breastfeed
4am - Breastfeed
6am - Awake
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