Alexis - getting her to eat that first bite of cashew and jam bread

At this age, life is still simple, I can help decipher & assist her with it

Alexis is super earnest. 

- Not enough sleep, only slept 10pm to 6am 

- Wake up at 6am realising I am not there

- She cries and when I ran to her  she calms down and lie down again, and quickly she feels happy after I fill her cup

- We are pretty happy together

- Daddy comes

- Joke about the bo bei song, how alexis likes this 'gay' song. Alexis laughs and proud.

- I was telling daddy re the bo bei song,  daddy jokes as to he does NOT want to hear it because its gay

- Alexis takes offense because she really thought daddy rejects her 

- I was calming her down telling her that daddy is only joking

- Daddy quickly changed his tone and say he wants to hear it 

- Alexis calms down

- Then we hear garbage truck noise

- Alexis shouts (garbage truck!) 

- Daddy and I quickly realised that it is only 6am so the garbage truck just passing, not actually disposing

- Daddy quickly realised he has not put out the bin, so he was about to leave! 

- Alexis cried because daddy is leaving without taking her (she can't run as fast as daddy) 

- I quickly explained and daddy quickly realised that alexis misunderstood, thinking daddy is leaving to garbage truck without her

- Daddy quickly realised and explained its just that he almost forgot putting the bin out but alexis won't accept it and still cry, so daddy took her outside with him

- After she calms down and we went back into the house, I explain that its only 6am, so not 7am yet, garbage truck only passing

- Alexis is ok but since then she is not the same. She appears more sensitive. 

- She said she wants to eat- i realised that she must be hungry!

- She then realised her dolly panda is missing

- I told her its under the blanket 

- She got upset because she cannot see it

- I pulled blanket and panda dolly appeared

- Alexis pleasantly surprised and her mood lightened up

- Alexis feels better and she starts rolling around on bed

- I said eat

- She continue rolling and gives me the cheeky smile

- I made the call to push her into eating as I know she hasn't eaten since 5:30pm

- I wanted daddy to do it so I can document all of these

- Daddy normally can do breakfast, I thought

- Daddy carried her but Alexis got angry even how he does not know where to put her stroller and she got angry (she expect a mind reader)

- Thats when i realised that when ALexis is in the sensitive hangry mode, I, rather than daddy, tand a better chance not to 'aggravate' her as I am more micro and more attuned and more fast.

- She is hangry because last time she had dinner was 5:30pm.  At this point, she is super sensitive. 

- When she is in sensitive mode, a lot of verbal assurances are necessary to maintain her ease

- So I took over in managing her until she takes her first bite (which is still a long time away)

- I stepped up and said let me do breakfast and 'break off' alexis's dissatisfaction with daddy

- Alexis attention turns to me and I give her that reassurance 'i got you' look

- she felt a little bit calmer but still pretty worked up

- I asked her with a confident tone - 'can i put the bread in the toaster for you'? ..'or do you want to do it?' she was hangry and weak, so she indicated that i can do it

- Then at that point  i should continue with my verbal reassurance, eg. "ok now that the bread is in the toaster, it won't be long until it pops back out, let me get you cashew and jam to prepare first"

- I didn't, my default mode is pretty quiet and just productive

- She couldn't wait just break down again crying

- I realised that she needed more of me, so I went to her stroke her back, etc, just be there whilst she is trying to process her emotions

- Then she muttered 'garbage truck' - as in daddy left to see garbage truck without me

- So clearly she has unresolved emotions there, she does not understand why daddy left her

- Then I went on to explain that she misunderstand, her daddy wanted to leave to put the bin out, because garbage truck not come yet

- but this logic was hard for her to understand, she appears a bit better but still struggling

- Daddy clued up and went to her and apologised for making her feel sad. It appears to be alot more effective than my bunch of explanations. 

- Alexis appeared so much better with daddy trying to comfort her and him explaining just hold more weight than mine, as he is the subject matter 

- Alexis was shaken because she questions  the 'trust relationship' between daddy and her, but her dad's reassurance put her back on track

- She finally able to pick up her knife and go back to the bread making business

- she was still shaken and not as effective

- I just wanted her to take that first bite, as she is hungry, angry, sad, and now exhausted

- I took back the management of alexis back from daddy

- The bread is done in toaster and i took out some plate

- normally we do two plates, one orange and one green

- but i could not see the green so i give her an orange plate and a pink plate

- she does not want the pink plate

- i said it does not matter baby

- she got worked up 

- then i realised i dont want to pick fight at this point, i just wanted her to take that first bite

- i found the green plate and swap it with the pink, she is ok again

- then - I guided her through her navigating her knife to the cashew

- she does not want to be guided, she handed me the other knife to the strawberry jam

- she put the cashew bottle right next to the bread

- she got worked up when i don't put strawberry jam right next to the other bread

- she expected me to copy her, or for us to synchronise

- so i realised and i followed her every T

- i did it too quick and i put the strawberry jam on one bread

- seeing her struggling so much, i folded the bread with the jam and offered her to take her first bite

- she got worked up because thats not how you do it - normally we got the two bread done with cashew and jam, fold then eat - so not like this

- i asked her if she wants strawberry jam put on the other bread

- she said no, shes doing cashew, she said put the strawberry jam away

- (i knew she would want strawberry jam on that other bread too) 

- i put the strawberry jam and its knife to the sink

- she got worked up as she wants me to put strawberry jam into the fridge (i.e. completely finished with the jam)

- i did not argue with her and put it in the fridge

- then i caught her licking the cashew knife

- i said 'well i have to pack that cashew away' as it is our rule not double dip, once you lick the knife that means that's it, you cannot put that same knife to the cashew bottle, its over

- she argued to say there is the other knife (that i use for strawberry jam) 

- well she is not wrong, so i reopened the cashew bottle and offer it to her 

- she took a bit more cashew using the other knife

- then i put the cashew away

- then she got worked up because she wants to put strawberry jam into that same bread (she expected me to know this) 

- so i went to fridge and got it back for her

- she applied that strawberry jam - i tried to fasten the process so she does not stay hungry for too long as un-offensively as i can

- she finally done and she folded both bread

- the entire time i keep it as easy going, as supportive, as 'its not a big deal' atmosphere

- the moment she is being productive, i put on radio music to lift her mood

- so she finally took that first bite

- HALLELUJAH

- then i can leave her with her daddy eating breakfast and do my own stuff (typing this blog entry)

- 2 mins later she get a bit insecure and is looking for me again

- then i reappeared in a jokey way - made her smile

- repeat this process twice

- then she is ok after finished eating she is back in good mood and in her normal reasonable self 

Body works & revelation

• These days I am doing so much work over my body. The scissors / gym incident (6th Sept) has prompted me to change course & focus on this subject before jumping into prgenancy. Wise move. 

• The chiro / osteo visit has opened my eyes. I wonder why I did not go there sooner. I think I had a wrong assumption and nobody highlighted it to me. Dr Caroline is too nice to push her views on me. But in saying that, I am glad I found out about it now. Her not pressing to tell me made me feel like the conventional method does not work and I had to resort to naturopathy / functional medicine area, which led me to a tremendous success of 16kg loss. Before I get pregnant. Ideally I want to get into optimal physical state before going to pregnancy, so I have a benchmark to go back to. 

• The chiropractor Dr Dylan is very smart and seem to have a lot of experience with Spondyloarthritis - I really want to ask him more & dig more from him. I quite like him. 

• The osteo Dr Andy is a quiet, controlled, reserved man. But he is deep too. I don't know, I think what he does is gentle too. So I quite like him too. 

My conclusion 

What I learnt from the chiropractor

• C4-C7 is solely responsible for my arms & hands

What I learnt from the osteopath

Milestone Journal - No more dummy!

Weaning dummy at 35 months

I basically followed exactly from this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vz8f0JoxjFo

Around this time, Alexis definitely needed it to sleep. But since the COVID-19 lockdown, Alexis has increased dependencies on dummy. Whenever she is not happy she always resort to dummy. I am concerned as I want her to settle her emotions with words / other actions  apart from just dummy. Its too convenient and is not healthy for her. 

Its the long EKKA weekend (Fri to Sun) and we picked up guinea pigs from childcare on Thursday afternoon (Anna and Elsa)

What happened

1a. Sat morning - Dummy fairy arrive at my computer room on the bed, on top of a white box. Complete with the messages. Dummy put bag

1b. We headed straight to Mr Toys World. Alexis picked up a dolly pram for $60 (four times more expensive than her actual stroller!). The shop assistant went along with it.  After that we went to Aspley Hypermarket, I desperately wanted her to go home as I know she is already very tired (the night before she slept 11pm and wake up 6am, so .. not enough). 

1c. Coming back,   it is very clear for Alexis that there is no more dummy.  She does not ask for it.  She is still very excited (and tired at the same time) and fluff around until 4pm - the time when fortunately we are going to Anna/Lisa's house with the guinea pigs Anna and Elsa.

1d. Hangout until 7:30pm, where she slept in Papa's ute without fight for dummy (too tired).

2. Sunday - napped 20 mins in the car, but apart from that she is in pretty OK mood throughout the day. It is very clear that Alexis knows the dummy is nowhere around to be asked. We are very impressed at her understanding towards this.

3. Monday - During the day, Alexis had 1 hour nap (patted to sleep by Miss Maria). She did not ask for dummy. In the evening, needed to be carried around to see house numbers.

4. Tuesday - During the day, Alexis had 1 hour nap (patted to sleep by Miss Maria?). She did not ask for dummy. In the evening, needed to be carried around to see house numbers. Woke up at 12 midnight because not happy Im not next to her, then again at 3am because of hungry. This is the time where she asked for dummy and I had to remind her that its gone. She is really upset and really struggle to get back to sleep without it. At 12 midnight daddy carried her around the neighbourhood to resettle her back to sleep and at 3am, I had to read book at 4am-4:30am to put her to sleep. She was extremely agitated at 3am still insisting to apply cashew & strawberry jam on the bread herself, put bread on toaster herself, whilst Jack and I are both extremely sleepy. 

Alexis's reaction

Overall it was a successful experience. 

Alexis is not sure about the whole mystical feeling of dummy fairy - she is not comfortable. I think she is fairly realist. And if things are beyond her control then she does not like it. 

She told us that she does not want dummy fairy to come back. I told her that dummy fairy will not come back. For 3 days she asked us to be carried through the hallway because she is scared. We had to reassure her multiple times.

She understands that no more dummy because she is growing up (turning 3 years old) and is a big girl. She does not ask why too much and seem accepted the fact that there is no more dummy. She does not deny the reality which is a great thing. 

She only read the book "bye bye binky" once by daddy and she does not want to have anything to do with it. I think she is spooked out by the whole thing. 

Though with the dolly's pram, she loves it so much and she knows its a present from the dummy fairy. Not spooked at all. 

She declares to people who listen - that dummy fairy came to my house! pop out from the box.  take my dummy away. gone to fairyland, which is behind the clouds, far away! I think its good that we talked about this over and over, as she tells the story, she grows to accept it. 

There are moments (Sunday, Tuesday) where she really misses her dummy (or struggle to get back to sleep not having it), but when we reminded her, she cried / screamed unhappily but is not pursuing it further. 

Interesting comments made by her

- Sat arvo - that dummy fairy is going to give her new dummies from supermarket

- Wed arvo - the children visited the childcare farm, including the guinea pigs. Alexis is a bit possessive saying those guinea pigs are hers! I said its not really, its for sharing with everyone. Alexis said somewhere along the line, (guinea pigs) are what she gets, because of the whole dummy fairy ordeal. Which is not wrong, because that was my intention.

Life in review: now

Motherhood when my beautiful baby is 2.5 years old

Its always hard to put it into words
But I will try

Me as part of me has been very difficult

Absolutely mixed feelings

I am still trying to find myself
Find my feet

Children room design

Trofast x 1
Trofast x 1
Long wood plank on top
Chair

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Working table
Swing on ceiling
Floor mat

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Mini-Kitchen in living room
All dolls in living room

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Time-In corner
Routine corner
Photo gallery section

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Observation about Alexis

Feeling more secure about environments

For Alexis, being in control is extremely important to her. At all times.

This is shown by her
- having to hold on to the rail whilst going down the slide
- feeling more secure / less scary if she does it backwards

Toy sharing / being a good host

She also has trouble sharing her toys,  she fear she cannot get her toys back.  Need to reduce her anxiety surrounding this matter.

Food

When it comes to food, I want her to trust me.  I think maybe I am lacking confidence myself about it. Not sure hey.

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Words to use to your kids

0. While it’s good to know what you want, you are not always entitled to get everything you want. Not everything is supposed to go your way. And anger will not get you what you want. However, I will certainly listen to any dissatisfaction you want to talk about.

1. "I can see you didn't hear me the first time. How about when I say it to you, you whisper it back to me?"

2. "I hear you. Can you come up with a solution?"

Asking your strong-willed child to come up with a solution places the responsibility back on them. Next time they're complaining, ask them to brainstorm solutions. Remind them there are no wrong answers, and the sillier they are, the better.+

3. "This is a tough one, huh? We're going to figure this out together."

When children are digging in their heels, it is important to understand why. This phrase reinforces the idea that you are on the same team, working toward the same goal.

4. "When you throw your toys, I think you don't like playing with them. Is that what's going on?"

This speaker/listener technique is designed to help communicate feelings in a non-confrontational manner. Not only does this keep the lines of communication open, you are modeling how to phrase a situation from your perspective, which in turn gives your child a chance to rephrase events in their perspective.

5. "It's okay to be angry, but I won't let you hit. We need to keep everyone safe."

This gets the message firmly across that the emotion is okay, but the action is not. Separating the two will help your strong-willed child learn what they can and can't do.

Calming down

6. "Let's go to our calm down space together."

This flips the script of "time out" to "time in," allowing for reconnection instead of isolation.

7. "I'm starting to get frustrated, and I'm going to be right here calming down."

Teach children how to label and govern their emotions by modeling this in real time.

Transitioning moments

8. "What do you need to do to be ready to leave?"

Allow children to think through processes for the transitions in their lives. This helps avoid a power struggle and it gives them a chance to signal to their minds that they are making a transition to a new activity. This is also an excellent routine to role-play when you are not actually going anywhere.

Frustration

9. "If green is calm, yellow is frustrated, and red is angry, I'm in the yellow zone headed toward red. What color are you? What can we do to get back to green?"

Give strong-willed children a visual to express how they are feeling. It may surprise you what they say, and what kind of solutions they come up with to change their direction.

Love and affection

10. "I'm here for you. I love you. You're safe." (Then, sit in stillness with your child and allow the emotion to rise up and pass.)

When children are in the throes of anger or panic, often their bodies are experiencing a stress response whereby they literally feel unsafe. Letting them know they are safe supports them until the discomfort passes. This is a vital skill of resilience.

A version of these phrases were originally published on Positive Parents.

Giving explanations

11. "That isn't a toy, so we will leave it on the shelf. It's delicate and it could break if we touch or play with it."

Kids value reasoning just as much as adults do. Explaining why helps kids learn to make better choices in the future.

Being specific

12. "We'll have carrots now and a cookie after dinner so your tummy has room."

Strong-willed kids tend to ignore "no" when they hear it repeatedly. It becomes like background noise. They also start to say "no" to parents, siblings and friends when they hear it all the time. But, if you're specific about your requests, they begin to understand why they can't do certain tasks.

Being non-judgemental

13. "My glasses look interesting to you, don't they? But my glasses are not a toy. They're for daddy only" or "Seems fun to throw the ball in here, huh? I get it. We can only roll balls in the house so we don't break anything."

If we are harsh or reprimanding, over time kids get repeated messages that they've done something bad, or even that they themselves are bad. Instead, we can give them the message that we understand them, believe they have good intentions and are trying to figure out the world.

Replacing "No" with an action word

14. "Stop!" or "Freeze!"

For many parents, the word "no!" is a reflex. You heard it growing up, or absorbed it as the standard way to get kids to know right from wrong. It takes conscious practice to change. When you feel a "no" coming on, replace it with information. You may still need to hold a limit repeatedly, remove the glasses yourself, or take the ball and put it up high. But the underlying message is, "I understand you and I'm here to support and guide."

Heather Turgeon, MFT is a psychotherapist.

Building their confidence

15. "You are capable."

As a parent, our words become the internal language in the minds of our children. We know that our strong-willed kids are capable of so much, so let your words match this belief. Our tone and language should communicate confidence.

16. "That was brave."

Sometimes we need to notice things aloud. That means to let them know when we see them being brave. When we notice our kids being brave, they start to notice too.

17. "You've got this."

You know that they have the skills and means necessary and your vote of confidence will give them that extra boost they need to succeed.

18. "I believe in you."

As the mama, you have faith in your strong-willed child's ability. When you openly communicate that faith in them it will inspire it within themselves.

19. "You can do hard things."

When the going gets tough the obstacles can seem insurmountable. So this direct phrase will tell them exactly what they need to hear—acknowledgment that this is hard work and that they are capable.

20. "How'd you do that?"

Ask questions. When you see them do something hard, say, "How did you manage that? How can you do it again?"

21. "Give it your best."

We will never win it all, do it all, or be it all. But we can give it our best. Let's teach our kids this lesson.

22. "I know it's hard, but I have seen you do it before."

It can seem overwhelming, but let's give them evidence of when they have been successful before. This will instill the confidence that they can do it again.

23. "You are enough."

It doesn't matter what the outcome—they need to know they are enough just the way they are.

24. "You make me proud."

Straight and to the point—you can never tell your child this enough.

25. "I wonder what would happen if…"

Try to evoke curiosity and a new way of thinking by wondering about the possibilities.

26. "Do you know what grit means?"

Kids love learning new words. Teach them about grit, resilience and perseverance to help them reach towards these goals.

27. "Want to hear a story?"

Share stories with your kids. Tell them about times when you overcame obstacles, met your goals, and reached for the stars.

28. "Do you want to try something crazy?"

Challenge your strong-willed children with things they think are beyond reach (even if it sounds a little crazy). They might surprise you and themselves.

29. "Sometimes new things can seem scary, but they can be exciting."

Young children tend to cling toward people and environments that are familiar. But if we emphasize how exciting and joyful that new experiences can be, we can encourage the confidence to venture out of the comfort zone.

30. "Sometimes we make mistakes, and that is how we learn."

It's important that strong-willed kids know that making mistakes isn't a bad thing, in fact, it's now they become smarter, more intelligent adults.

31. "How did you challenge yourself today?"

Start the conversation about growing, changing and taking risks. With each challenge and accomplishment, the sense of self-esteem will grow.

32. "Repeat after me, 'I can do it.'"

Positive affirmations are powerful—they can rewire the brain. When we teach our strong-willed children to use positive affirmations from an early age they will reap the benefits as they grow.

Denaye Barahona has a Ph.D. in Child Development and is the voice behind Simple Families.

Giving them praise

33. "I love the animals on your t-shirt, which one is your favorite? Why is that?"

Praising children, especially girls, for their looks can decrease their self-esteem. If you want to comment on appearance, focus the praise on what the child can change, for instance, their clothes, and use them to start up a conversation that shows the child you're really interested in what they think and feel.

34. "Wow, I love the color you have chosen for the flowers, why did you choose to paint them in that color?"

You may have been shown a hundred pieces of artwork this year, but to your kid, each one is special and new. While it feels easier to say, "That's a great drawing," without really looking properly, the looking properly is what children really want. Picking out parts of the picture and asking the child about their choices shows that you're really looking at, and appreciating, their work. Which, in kid speak translates into you looking at and appreciating them.

35. "You worked really hard on that math problem. I knew that you could solve it if you really focused!"

Praising kids for fixed attributes—such as intelligence, or aptitude at certain subjects—can really backfire. If children think they are naturally good at something, not only will they tend to not try so hard next time, but they can get quickly disillusioned if they struggle, questioning if they are clever after all.

Strong willed article 2

While it’s good to know what you want, you are not always entitled to get everything you want. Not everything is supposed to go your way. And anger will not get you what you want. However, I will certainly listen to any dissatisfaction you want to talk about.

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She keeps trying to take over the parenting job when that is our job to do, which is where we disagree most of the time.” “
She is determined to set her own rules and live her own way until it breaks down, and then we’re supposed to help her out.” 

But listen to the willful teenager, and there is different story to tell: 

“They’re the ones making it hard. All I want is to do is what's right for me!”  


Drive of separation
Drive of experimentation
Drive of opposition

1) Expect more limit testing and breaking. The willful adolescent is strongly motivated to do life her way, to be less tolerant of family and social demands and restraints. 

‘Expect’ does not mean ‘endorse’; it means to be prepared for more opposition through argument and refusal. Parents might declare: “We will not tolerate any challenge to our authority.”  However, I believe it is better to explain: 

“We will be firm where we have to when our mind is made up; we will be flexible where we can if there is room for discussion; and we will always be ready and willing to hear whatever you have to say when you respectfully disagree with what we have decided.” 

2) Be specific - Operationally, keep clarifying basic family rules and expectations. Beware of talking in generalities, using vague terms like the young person being “responsible,” “considerate,” and “helpful.” These are non-informative words in that they have no instructional power. Generally speaking they might say: “We just want you to be more conscientious about your schoolwork!” No. Better to speak operationally and say: “We expect you to bring all classroom assignments home, do them completely, and turn them all in on time.” 

3) Consistently supervise what you want. Supervise all requests to completion and all rules to compliance. If it’s important enough for parents to ask for, then it should be important enough to follow through. Practice the art of parental pursuit; be willing to nag – the drudge work of parenting. 

With a strong-willed adolescent, parental inconsistency can send a double message: “Sometimes my parents mean what they say, and sometimes they forget or give up and don’t.” 

The wilful teenager is likely to vote for “don’t.” Used to their supervisory commitment, however, the wilful teenager is more likely to accept what cannot be changed: “I just do what they’ve said because I've learned they never give up about this.”   

4) Keep correction non-evaluative - dont critically attack character, explain. There will be more frequent times when family rule violations occur. Better to address choices made than critically attack the character of the choice-maker which only injures and inflames the opposition. “Once again you’ve stupidly ignored our instructions!” No. Better to declare: “We disagree with the choices you have made, this is why, this is what needs to happen in consequence, and this is what we wish you to learn.”  

5) Allow natural consequences to bite. Willfulness can not only lead to violations of home rules, but to violations of societal rules as well. When social consequences for youthful mistakes or misdeeds arise, it is human for parents to want to prevent the harmful costs. However, rescue the young person from consequences, make a special exception, give another second chance, and they may encourage the belief that the willful teenager can get away with anything. “We’ll get you out of this if you promise it is the last time!” No. Better to declare: “We’re sorry you have this price to pay, but hope you can learn from the unhappy outcome of what you chose to do.” 

6) Treat problems as the exception, not the rule. Just because the willful teenager may be violating bounds and in one area of his or her life does not mean that she is not taking good care of business in others. What not to say: “You’re nothing but a problem.” This is not true. Any problem is only a small part of a large person, and parents must keep that larger perspective because it harms the young person’s self-image to view themselves in such diminished terms. “Messing up is not all you ever do. In most parts of your life you’re managing really well. And we appreciate it.”  

7) Express concern before asserting control. To stay emotionally connected to the willful teenager during a more contested time, it can help if parents identify themselves first as empathetic and second as authoritative when a problem arises. What immediately not to say: “Because of what you did, this is what is going to happen now.” Instead, begin with your first priority: “Before we talk about what happened and what happens next, we have a more important concern: are you feeling okay?” A great vulnerability of parenting a willful adolescent is seeing the relationship in terms of power, who is dominant, and who gets their way.  Keeping concern front and center allows for caring to rule.

8) Keep the relationship mutually beneficial. Do not ignore your own resentment. With so much focus on the willful teenager, parents can allow the relationship to become one-sided, primarily based on responding to what the teenager’s needs and wants, and they should not. Mostly doing for the adolescent, with the adolescent not doing much for them, can breed resentment. Therefore, they must keep up a mutual exchange of benefits: “We want a two-way relationship with you. This means sometimes we do for you, sometimes you do for us, and sometime before we do for you, we expect you to do for us.”            

9) Keep up the parental initiative. With a continual press for attention from their willful teenager, it’s easy for parents to get on the reactive: “We just wait and see what he is going to do to decide what we need to do next. We revolve our life around him!” This is usually a bad idea -- another way of parents living too much on the adolescent’s terms. Assert your own active agenda and make demands on him. Keep an interactive balance of demands in the relationship where he is also responding to demands from you. “You keep after me about stuff all the time!” runs the adolescent complaint. “That’s right, just like you keep after us.” 

  

10_ Provide ongoing appreciation for willfulness. Despite their fatigue from the full court press of strong-willed adolescent’s demands and objections, it’s extremely important that parents communicate their appreciation of the willful temperament’s positive side. Recall the entry definition of willfulness in this blog: ‘the power of self-determinationto direct, to persist, to resist, and to prevail.’ Then, keep in mind:

willfulness = ‘the power of self-determinationto direct, to persist, to resist, and to prevail.’

“To direct” can empower the teenager to be outspoken and take leadership. 

“To persist” can empower the teenager to be untiring and self-disciplined. 

“To resist” can empower the teenager to be principled and hard to sway. 

“To prevail” can empower the teenager to be ambitious and successful. 

When a child and adolescent are innately willful, I believe the job of the parent is to teach the girl or boy how to constructively manage this demanding temperamental hand that they're been dealt.

Strong willed children - article 1

"No one likes being told what to do, but strong-willed kids find it unbearable."

They feel their integrity is compromised if they're forced to submit to another person's will. 

If they're allowed to choose, they love to cooperate. 

If this bothers you because you think obedience is an important quality, I'd ask you to reconsider. 

Of course you want to raise a responsible, considerate, cooperative child who does the right thing, even when it's hard. But that doesn't imply obedience. That implies doing the right thing because you want to.

Morality is doing what's right, no matter what you're told.

Obedience is doing what you're told, no matter what's right.

So of course you want your child to do what you say. But not because she's obedient, meaning that she always does what someone bigger tells her to do. 

No, you want her to do what you say because she trusts YOU, because she's learned that even though you can't always say yes to what she wants, you have her best interests at heart. 

You want to raise a child who has self-discipline, takes responsibility and is considerate—and most important, has the discernment to figure out who to trust and when to be influenced by someone else.

Breaking a child's will leaves her open to the influence of others who often will not serve her highest interests. What's more, it's a betrayal of the spiritual contract we make as parents.

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1. Remember that strong-willed kids are experiential learners. i.e. Natural consequences.

2. Your strong-willed child wants mastery more than anything.

3. Give choices.

4. Give her authority over her own body.

5. Avoid power struggles by using routines and rules.

6. Don't push him into opposing you.

7. Side-step power struggles by letting your child save face.

8. Listen to her.

9. See it from his point of view.

10. Discipline through the relationship, never through punishment.

11. Offer him respect and empathy.

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1. Remember that strong-willed kids are experiential learners.

That means they have to see for themselves if the stove is hot. So unless you're worried about serious injury, it's more effective to let them learn through experience, instead of trying to control them. And you can expect your strong-willed child to test your limits repeatedly—that's how he learns. Once you know that, it's easier to stay calm, which avoids wear and tear on your relationship—and your nerves.

2. Your strong-willed child wants mastery more than anything.

Let her take charge of as many of her own activities as possible. Don't nag at her to brush her teeth—ask "What else do you need to do before we leave?" If she looks blank, tick off the short list—"Every morning we eat, brush teeth, use the toilet, and pack the backpack. I saw you pack your backpack, that's terrific! Now, what do you still need to do before we leave?"

Kids who feel more independent and in charge of themselves will have less need to be oppositional. Not to mention, they take responsibility early.

3. Give your strong-willed child choices.

If you give orders, she will almost certainly react angrily. If you offer a choice, she feels like the master of her own destiny. Of course, only offer choices you can live with and don't let yourself get resentful by handing away your power. If going to the store is non-negotiable and he wants to keep playing, an appropriate choice is—

"Do you want to leave now or in 10 minutes? Okay, 10 minutes with no fuss? Let's shake on it....And since it could be hard to stop playing in ten minutes, how can I help you then?"

4. Give her authority over her own body.

"I hear that you don't want to wear your jacket today. I think it's cold and I am definitely wearing a jacket. Of course, you are in charge of your own body, as long as you stay safe and healthy, so you get to decide whether to wear a jacket. But I'm afraid that you will be cold once we are outside, and I won't want to come back to the house. How about I put your jacket in the backpack, and then we'll have it if you change your mind?"

She's sure she's right—her own body is telling her so—so naturally she resists you. You don't want to undermine that self-confidence, just teach her that there's no shame in letting new information change her mind.

5. Avoid power struggles by using routines and rules.

That way, you aren't the bad guy bossing them around, it's just that "The rule is we use the potty after every meal and snack," or "The schedule is that lights-out is at 8 p.m. If you hurry, we'll have time for two books," or "In our house, we finish homework before screen time."

6. Don't push him into opposing you.

Force always creates "push-back"—with humans of all ages. If you take a hard and fast position, you can easily push your child into defying you, just to prove a point. You'll know when it's a power struggle and you're invested in winning. Just stop, take a breath, and remind yourself that winning a battle with your child always sets you up to lose what's most important—the relationship.

When in doubt say— "Ok, you can decide this for yourself."

If he can't, then say what part of it he can decide, or find another way for him to meet his need for autonomy without compromising his health or safety.

7. Side-step power struggles by letting your child save face.

You don't have to prove you're right. You can, and should, set reasonable expectations and enforce them. But under no circumstances should you try to break your child's will or force him to acquiesce to your views. He has to do what you want, but he's allowed to have his own opinions and feelings about it.

8. Listen to her.

You, as the adult, might reasonably presume you know best. But your strong-willed child has a strong will partly as a result of her integrity. She has a viewpoint that is making her hold fast to her position, and she is trying to protect something that seems important to her. Only by listening calmly to her and reflecting her words will you come to understand what's making her oppose you.

A non-judgmental—"I hear that you don't want to take a bath. Can you tell me more about why?"

You might elicit the information (as I did with my three year old Alice) that she's afraid she'll go down the drain, like Alice in the song. It may not seem like a good reason to you, but she has a reason. And you won't find it out if you get into a clash and order her into the tub.

9. See it from his point of view.

For instance, he may be angry because you promised to wash his superman cape and then forgot. To you, he is being stubborn. To him, he is justifiably upset, and you are being hypocritical, because he is not allowed to break his promises to you, but you broke yours to him.

How do you clear this up and move on? You apologize sincerely for breaking your promise, you reassure him that you try very hard to keep your promises, and you go, together, to wash the cape. You might even teach him how to wash his own clothes so you're not in this position in the future and he's empowered. Just consider how would you want to be treated, and treat him accordingly.

10. Discipline through the relationship, never through punishment.

Kids don't learn when they're in the middle of a fight. Like all of us, that's when adrenaline is pumping and learning shuts off. Kids behave because they want to please us. The more you fight with and punish your child, the more you undermine her desire to please you.

If she's upset, help her express her hurt, fear or disappointment, so they evaporate. Then she'll be ready to listen to you when you remind her that in your house, everyone speaks kindly to each other. (Of course, you have to model that. Your child won't always do what you say, but she will always, eventually, do what you do.)

11. Offer him respect and empathy.

Most strong-willed children are fighting for respect. If you offer it to them, they don't need to fight to protect their position. And, like the rest of us, it helps a lot if they feel understood. If you see his point of view and think he's wrong—for instance, he wants to wear the superman cape to church and you think that's inappropriate—you can still offer him empathy and meet him part way while you set the limit.

"You love this cape and wish you could wear it, don't you? But when we go to services we dress up to show respect, so we can't wear the cape. I know you'll miss wearing it. How about we take it with us so you can wear it on our way home?"

Does this sound like Permissive Parenting? It isn't. You set limits. But you set them with understanding of your child's perspective, which makes her more cooperative.