Michelle Obama's Mother

My god. I have listened to this chapter of the book 3 times now, finally got a chance to sit down & summarise it for myself.  This chapter about motherhood is SO GOOD.   It resonate so much with me. 

 have a fairly good idea of what to do to navigate parenting from 0 to 7 year old (in the case of Alexis anyway, I dont know about Remi as she is different) but I remained very confused from 7 year old to adulthood. Unexpectedly, Michelle Obama's mother is my answer.  Her demeanour and how she carries herself, her perspective is gold. The level of detail that Michelle Obama provided was very helpful. 

Just what I needed to change my trajectory. 

Tying up to the need of 'letting go', this is about fostering not just physical independence but emotional independence, for them to develop their critical skill. And the end game of parenting worries (until when?)  

An excerpt says "what we can give to our kids - to give them the opportunities to be heard and seen, the practice they need to make rational decision based on meaningful values and consistency of our gladness that they are there"

 Trajectory 

7 year old  going through  adulthood

My mom thinks that we should have our own family live

independent of her

and she felt that she too should have a life independent of us

 

she likes her freedom

she likes her space

 

as a rule of thumb, she is hands off

 

----------------

My fear over having a job and career myself will mess my kid up

Any slightest issue is going to trigger a cascade of doubt and guilt

 

My old friend, the fearful mind

One tiny thing go wrong and my mother guilt would kick in

I start second guessing every decision I have ever made

Self scrutiny

 

All stem from the feeding of unrealistic image of female perfection

never could happen, but we keep trying

 

For mothers the feeling of not enoughness - is acute

The doubt generated by these artifacts can be undermining

 

I am as prone as this self blasteration as the next person

any sign of conflict and challenge, i would ferociously scan my own mistake

 

have i been too tough or too indulging

have i been too absent or too present?

 

--------------

 

u have somehow not done enough for your kids

or you have done everything wrong and they are now paying the price for your neglicence or poor decision making

 

many of us feel this intensely

 

----------------------------------

you can become convinced if you pull back even a little, you failed to do something, you will potentially doom your child

 

----------------

 

parental anxiety - michelle's own mom

 

what she offer is perspective and presence

 

engaged listened, someone who can banish my fear to the back of the room or reign me in when i am a little 'extra' with my fretting

 

important to always presume the BEST about children

 

that it is preferable to let them live up to your hope

than live down to your worries

 

grant trust than making them earn it

 

on the spot reality check

 

whatever that was happening is not a failure but developmentally appropriate and within the realm of expectation and I have done the same those dumb thing  when i was young

 

I find that reassuring

 

those girls are all right

they are just trying to learn life

 

i too, was alright

i too, can calm down and trust my own judgment

 

 

1a. teach your kids to eat by themselves

1b. teach your kids how to wake up

 

how many minutes to get you out to school

        tool or challenge how to use it effectively become hers to figure out

 

mother not interested to whine

 

making it clear that her life is largely her own

 

2. it isn't about you

 

making parents out of business

deliberate undertaking on my part - learn to get our own feet not just physically but also emotionally

 

singular goal - to render herself obselete

 

day to day practical tasks - her plan is to make herself not needed

 

i am not raising babies, i am raising adults

whats the minimum i can do right now for them

 

self sufficiency matters above all else

we are operating on limited budget

time, money, food - need to be economical in all front

taught to appreciate what is given to us

 

teaching us to rely on ourselves to think clearly what we needed is what our parents can convey

our parents cant give us shortcut, so parents give us skill

 

if our kids are to travel further than we have then they would need big engine, not to mention the ability to do our own repair

 

our hands get in the way of their hands

 

she will show us how to do it, and quickly step aside

 

with the aid of step stool, dry the dishes

 

made our own bed

do our  own laundry

daily practice of self reliance and problem solving

step by step of overcoming doubt and fear

until there is less overall to doubt and less to fear

easier to explore and discover

from one solid habit, can build more

 

first taste of power

 

mistake with chores  homework  friends  relationships

 

if u make a big deal, they will stop trying

 

none of it is tied to her own self worth or ego or done for bragging rights

it is not about her at all

she is busy trying to wash her hands off us after all

 

her mood did not rise or fall on our victories

her happiness is not dictated by whether we come home with A on our report card, whether Craig scored a lot in basketball games

 

when good things happened she was happy for us

when bad things happened she help us process it before getting back to her own chores and challenges

 

the important thing

she loves us regardless we succeeded or failed

she lit up with gladness everytime we walked through the door

my mother remain quietly watchful over what was happening in our life

she did not immediately offer to fight our battles

a lot of what we are learning was social developing skill to understand who do we want to surround ourselves with, and on whose voice we allow into our head and why

 

when she could, she found time to volunteer in our classroom at school

which gives her useful window so she can recognise when we truly needed help, vs when we need to just learning life

 

then she will sincerely ask 'do you need me to go in there for you?'

 

she was pushing me to continue reasoning out the situation in my head

 

how bad was it actually

what were the solutions

what could i do

 

this is how in the end, i usually knew i could trust my own answer, which was - i think i can handle it

 

mom help me to puzzle out my own feelings and strategies for  dealings with them in part by giving them room and taking care not to smother them with her own feelings and her own opinions

 

if i get overly sulky about something i will tell her to do one of her chores not as punishment exactly but as mean to rightsizing the problem - get up and clean that bathroom she'd say it will put your mind on things other than urself !!

 

inside our own home, she created a kind of emotional sandbox where we can safely rehearse our feelings and sort through our responses to whatever that is going on to our young life

 

she listen as we work through our problems out loud, whether it was a math question or a playground issue, her advice when she gave it, tend to be the hard boiled practical variety most often is a reminder to keep perspective and to think backward to the end result we are hoping for to always stay focused on that

 

once i was in high school not happy in dealing with a maths teacher that struck me as arrogant. my mom heard my complain nodded understandingly and shrugged you dont have to like your teacher and she doesnt have to like you, but she has the maths in her head that you needed in your head, so perhaps you should just go to school and get the maths

 

you can come home to be liked, we will always like you here

 

3. know what is truly precious

 

not material, our body and soul are precious

 

our parents saw us each as different and treat us that way

they gear their parenting towards fostering our own indivdual strength to drawing out what was best in us, rather than trying to fit us in some pre-made ordained mould

 

respectful of our elders and abide some general rules, but we also spoke our mind, always voice your thought

 

never feel they have to tip toe in their own home

establish basic rules and governing principles

 

making bed as soon as they are old enough to make their own bed

 

------

 

how to proceed with our children

 

one that wants more guard rail from her parents, one that want fewer

 

one that respond first to my emotion, and one would take my word at face value

 

each kid has their own temperament, sensitivites, her own needs, strengths and set of boundaries

and way of interpreting the world around her

 

we trust her to do her own thing

 

my moms timeless reminder

just calm down & trust my judgment

 

gradually learn to read our kids for cues, adapting what each were showing us, trying to interpret their development to what we understood as their own idnvidual gifts and needs

 

 

parenting - fly fishing - where you stand for hours  eyeing for fish, practice your best manouver  by patience and perspective and precision - in the end, the child you have will grow into a person they are meant to be

 

they will learn life their own way

you will control some but not all in the way that it goes for them

 

you cant remove unhappiness from their life

u cant remove struggle

what we can give to our kids - opportunities to be heard and seen, the practice they need to make rational decision based on meaningful values and consistency of our gladness that they are there

 

5. come home, we will always like you here

 

 

i got to bathe in gladness as a child, which gives me a distinct advantage grew as a person

knowing what gladness felt like, i can look for more of it

seek friends and relationships and ultimately a partner who can bring more light into my world, which i then try to pour into the lives of my own children

 

the practice i have had in finding the light inside other people - most valuable tool to overcome uncertainty and dealing in hard times

 

 

michelle needed her gladness

 

i am nothing but a grown up child myself, at the end of long day, feeling worn out and a little needy looking for solace and acceptance and a little snack

 

mother wise way build all of us

 

she lit up for us everydya so we can light up for others

she made us feel white house less like a museum and more like a home

 

 

 

-------------------------------------