Frustration Frustration Frustration Frustration Frustration Frustration

 HEre i am screaming


SCREAMING


How hard does things have to be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


This has a high risk to 


* undo everything i have done


I have to do it tactfully


But I am so nervous !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH


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I have increased breakfast options for my kids 



My vision for the kids

 Alexis (6 years old)


Something to do with people, for sure
She will understand the psychology of people,  groups,  community
Her learning about famous people, history, cultures, war, would help her understand about the psychology of society 


Remi (2 years old)

Although it is still a bit too early to tell. She has a less 'people pleasing' tendency than Alexis.  She is less swayable by things.  She has a lot of anger and  fight for justice.  She has particularly strong conviction about things.   

My view about children

I rather then talking about the skills they are practicing, the imagination they are thinking, the things they are creating / building, the things they are doing to improve the life of themselves or others, the things that they learnt about the world


Parents are getting over their guilt by justifying themselves by being immersed in screen junk food and peer play with no adults whatsoever - is the way life is nowadays & it’s acceptable



When their kids are disconnected & defiant, parents resort to punishment, bribing to buy more materials, rewarding good behaviour by screen time, whilst the reason why they are disconnected in the first place is - because they just want - genuine deep connection - who their parents can provide more selflessly than their peers. This is a fact. Kids need the following before they can learn to have a trusted boyfriend or partner

emotional regulation


It is no wonder why anxiety depression and many mental health conditions are worst than ever in this society



Short term (one day) harmless, long term it’s unhealthy esp for young kids who don’t know any better.



Two days of being in this acceptable culture is enough to open Alexis’s lid.  Now she also sees how the most laidback parenting is. She sees other kids get what she doesn’t get. Comparison is the thief of joy



Im fighting so hard to go against the norm

I’m trying to find other parents who aren’t in mainstream



I know exposure to mainstream is inevitable but I also want her to be exposed by families who aren’t driven by junk food, screen and materialism in gaining their daily happiness

Mental adjustment by food

 Artifical dopamine


Social media

Fast food

Drugs

Alcohol

Partying

Drugs

Working



In my case, it is definitely alcohol, phone scrolling and  fast food - things like  japanese curry

just provides that mental relief, takes off the edge


alcohol makes me forget things, just loosen up and stop the thinking and go into the 'just-do-it, just-say-it' mode


phone scrolling gives me the stop the thinking too, and takes off some of the edges too, esp when there is something I can laugh to,  just break it up for me, so I don't get too intense


The phone scrolling, I successfuly get on top of that, due to my belief to be there for the kids 

Bhawana say recently you don't need Alcohol to give you that feeling 

Now I am also eliminating the food bit



Healthy dopamine

Cold shower

Running

Hiking

Exercising

Healthy food

Healthy relationship

Sleep

Music

Gratitude

Meditation

Writing

Laughing



All this time, food is my fix.  That is why for Remi it is so important. Not to keep on feeding her food when things get hard.  I dont want her to associate food as a relief of stress. 

There are intense emotion is to slowly co-regulate. 


I need to find ways of relief for myself. 



The Hard Truth

 The hard truth about me


Milestone and journeys


QLD Health

Renee - social worker - April 2022 to April 2023 


CYMHS

Colin - Nov 2021 to Jan 2022

Meredith - Feb 2022 to Apr 2022

Emma - May 2022 to Dec 2022

Clare - Jan 2023 to now 


PCL 

Katey - Aug 2021 to Dec 2021

Michelle - Dec 2021 to now 


Big breakdown - against Emma - Oct 2022   (Remi 14 months old)  

Fractured Foot - May 2022 to July 2022  (7 months to 9 months old) 

Remi breakdown in baby car seat Strathpine lollipop -  Aug 2022 (10 months old)

Baby Car Seat - Change from rear facing to front facing - Mar 2023  (19 months old) 

Stopped breastfeeding - Apr 2023  (20 months old) 

Remi start childcare - Feb 2023 (18 months old)  - tried playdates in Dec 2022 (16 mo) - did not work

Gonggong coming often 3-4 days a week - May 2022 until Feb 2023

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The anxiety was around

Remi don't want to be in pram

Remi don't want to be in car  any longer than 5 minutes 

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The pressing question was 

How to deal with 2 kids?  Remi is a newborn and is still ok, but what happen as she is more aware and fight for my attention? 

Aug 2021 to Dec 2022 - was my gruelling think in advance panic 'in-tunnel' experience 

I was hoping for a magic wand, but there is no magic wand. 

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The ultimate answer was

You can do it and you got it within you

Focusing on how you yourself can be well is the most important thing 

YOU HAVE TIME to find the answers, sign up to those likeminded moms and they often have the scripts in how to deal with it 

Manage my anxiety, my breathing, my body, listening to my body 

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Through the tumble and rumble of being in a tunnel washing machine (like in wet and wild) lots of panic attacks, crying and tears, I have gone from

- being absolutely petrified when with 2 kids 

- to 'willing to try' to spend time with 2 kids

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Being absolutely petrified when with 2 kids -  used to count by the minute  when Jack comes home.  I was with Remi  (remi no childcare) and   Alexis was in childcare 5 days a week since Remi was born. Alexis was in daycare  from 8:20am (dropped by Jack) to 5pm (picked up by me) and it used to be very nervewrecking.  Battling the mental exhaustion with Remi (not getting her sleeping or eating right) and myself (alot of unwell, panic feeling) and in that bad cycle. 

From the time I broke my foot, Remi won't deal with cars (May 2022 to Sep 2022) was particularly anxious period for me, and a lot of sickness too. I was isolated due to my broken foot, but also trapped as I can't go anywhere. I was in bad cycle with Remi's tiredness and food too. (Remi was 7 months to 13 months old) 

My dad, social worker, and child psychologist as well counsellor has been my rescues during this  dark period.

I remember feeling exhausted and panicky all the time. 

Coming from 5:15pm to 5:45pm when Jack arrives (30-40 minutes) was hard. 

I wanted to do better. I wanted to be less petrified. I just don't know how. 

I know by the time Dec 2022 finishes, Alexis will finish by 3pm so I have to learn how to deal with that. By the time both teachers left in Dec 2022, Alexis hates daycare and from mid-Jan 2023 I was willing to have Alexis and Remi home by myself (with Alexis occassionally going to daycare) 

The rescue was neighbour. Mainly dominic. His warmth, excitement and welcoming makes Alexis feeling less lost. It was a great introduction to St Flannans too. 


Phase adjustments and transitions

  • From breastfeeding to bottles
  • From home to daycare
  • From daycare to school
  • From school to school holiday

How to be mentally strong
Mentally prepared
need a lot of help by people
same goes with work 
which i need to have a good think about 

1. Stay-at-home path or Working path - narrowing my world, dont want to be like my mom
2. Need to solidify reason to stay at work - so I don't give up at first instance
3. Know that will be a tunnel experience again
4. Counsellor every 3 days?
5. Know my parameter
  • 1 to 2 days a week
  • Work from home option
  • Also has part time mothers
  • Supportive environment

Boss who can draw the line because I cannot draw that line myself 
How to create that boundary

Michelle Obama's Mother

My god. I have listened to this chapter of the book 3 times now, finally got a chance to sit down & summarise it for myself.  This chapter about motherhood is SO GOOD.   It resonate so much with me. 

 have a fairly good idea of what to do to navigate parenting from 0 to 7 year old (in the case of Alexis anyway, I dont know about Remi as she is different) but I remained very confused from 7 year old to adulthood. Unexpectedly, Michelle Obama's mother is my answer.  Her demeanour and how she carries herself, her perspective is gold. The level of detail that Michelle Obama provided was very helpful. 

Just what I needed to change my trajectory. 

Tying up to the need of 'letting go', this is about fostering not just physical independence but emotional independence, for them to develop their critical skill. And the end game of parenting worries (until when?)  

An excerpt says "what we can give to our kids - to give them the opportunities to be heard and seen, the practice they need to make rational decision based on meaningful values and consistency of our gladness that they are there"





 Trajectory 

7 year old  going through  adulthood


My mom thinks that we should have our own family live

independent of her

and she felt that she too should have a life independent of us

 

she likes her freedom

she likes her space

 

as a rule of thumb, she is hands off

 

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My fear over having a job and career myself will mess my kid up

Any slightest issue is going to trigger a cascade of doubt and guilt

 

My old friend, the fearful mind

One tiny thing go wrong and my mother guilt would kick in

I start second guessing every decision I have ever made

Self scrutiny

 

All stem from the feeding of unrealistic image of female perfection

never could happen, but we keep trying

 

For mothers the feeling of not enoughness - is acute

The doubt generated by these artifacts can be undermining

 

I am as prone as this self blasteration as the next person

any sign of conflict and challenge, i would ferociously scan my own mistake

 

have i been too tough or too indulging

have i been too absent or too present?

 

--------------

 

u have somehow not done enough for your kids

or you have done everything wrong and they are now paying the price for your neglicence or poor decision making

 

many of us feel this intensely

 

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you can become convinced if you pull back even a little, you failed to do something, you will potentially doom your child

 

----------------

 

parental anxiety - michelle's own mom

 

what she offer is perspective and presence

 

engaged listened, someone who can banish my fear to the back of the room or reign me in when i am a little 'extra' with my fretting

 

important to always presume the BEST about children

 

that it is preferable to let them live up to your hope

than live down to your worries

 

grant trust than making them earn it

 

on the spot reality check

 

whatever that was happening is not a failure but developmentally appropriate and within the realm of expectation and I have done the same those dumb thing  when i was young

 

I find that reassuring

 

those girls are all right

they are just trying to learn life

 

i too, was alright

i too, can calm down and trust my own judgment

 

 

1a. teach your kids to eat by themselves

1b. teach your kids how to wake up

 

how many minutes to get you out to school

        tool or challenge how to use it effectively become hers to figure out

 

mother not interested to whine

 

making it clear that her life is largely her own

 

2. it isn't about you

 

making parents out of business

deliberate undertaking on my part - learn to get our own feet not just physically but also emotionally

 

singular goal - to render herself obselete

 

day to day practical tasks - her plan is to make herself not needed

 

i am not raising babies, i am raising adults

whats the minimum i can do right now for them

 

self sufficiency matters above all else

we are operating on limited budget

time, money, food - need to be economical in all front

taught to appreciate what is given to us

 

teaching us to rely on ourselves to think clearly what we needed is what our parents can convey

our parents cant give us shortcut, so parents give us skill

 

if our kids are to travel further than we have then they would need big engine, not to mention the ability to do our own repair

 

our hands get in the way of their hands

 

she will show us how to do it, and quickly step aside

 

with the aid of step stool, dry the dishes

 

made our own bed

do our  own laundry

daily practice of self reliance and problem solving

step by step of overcoming doubt and fear

until there is less overall to doubt and less to fear

easier to explore and discover

from one solid habit, can build more

 

first taste of power

 

mistake with chores  homework  friends  relationships

 

if u make a big deal, they will stop trying

 

none of it is tied to her own self worth or ego or done for bragging rights

it is not about her at all

she is busy trying to wash her hands off us after all

 

her mood did not rise or fall on our victories

her happiness is not dictated by whether we come home with A on our report card, whether Craig scored a lot in basketball games

 

when good things happened she was happy for us

when bad things happened she help us process it before getting back to her own chores and challenges

 

the important thing

she loves us regardless we succeeded or failed

she lit up with gladness everytime we walked through the door

my mother remain quietly watchful over what was happening in our life

she did not immediately offer to fight our battles

a lot of what we are learning was social developing skill to understand who do we want to surround ourselves with, and on whose voice we allow into our head and why

 

when she could, she found time to volunteer in our classroom at school

which gives her useful window so she can recognise when we truly needed help, vs when we need to just learning life

 

then she will sincerely ask 'do you need me to go in there for you?'

 

she was pushing me to continue reasoning out the situation in my head

 

how bad was it actually

what were the solutions

what could i do

 

this is how in the end, i usually knew i could trust my own answer, which was - i think i can handle it

 

mom help me to puzzle out my own feelings and strategies for  dealings with them in part by giving them room and taking care not to smother them with her own feelings and her own opinions

 

if i get overly sulky about something i will tell her to do one of her chores not as punishment exactly but as mean to rightsizing the problem - get up and clean that bathroom she'd say it will put your mind on things other than urself !!

 

inside our own home, she created a kind of emotional sandbox where we can safely rehearse our feelings and sort through our responses to whatever that is going on to our young life

 

she listen as we work through our problems out loud, whether it was a math question or a playground issue, her advice when she gave it, tend to be the hard boiled practical variety most often is a reminder to keep perspective and to think backward to the end result we are hoping for to always stay focused on that

 

once i was in high school not happy in dealing with a maths teacher that struck me as arrogant. my mom heard my complain nodded understandingly and shrugged you dont have to like your teacher and she doesnt have to like you, but she has the maths in her head that you needed in your head, so perhaps you should just go to school and get the maths

 

you can come home to be liked, we will always like you here

 

3. know what is truly precious

 

not material, our body and soul are precious

 

our parents saw us each as different and treat us that way

they gear their parenting towards fostering our own indivdual strength to drawing out what was best in us, rather than trying to fit us in some pre-made ordained mould

 

respectful of our elders and abide some general rules, but we also spoke our mind, always voice your thought

 

never feel they have to tip toe in their own home

establish basic rules and governing principles

 

making bed as soon as they are old enough to make their own bed

 

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how to proceed with our children

 

one that wants more guard rail from her parents, one that want fewer

 

one that respond first to my emotion, and one would take my word at face value

 

each kid has their own temperament, sensitivites, her own needs, strengths and set of boundaries

and way of interpreting the world around her

 

we trust her to do her own thing

 

my moms timeless reminder

just calm down & trust my judgment

 

gradually learn to read our kids for cues, adapting what each were showing us, trying to interpret their development to what we understood as their own idnvidual gifts and needs

 

 

parenting - fly fishing - where you stand for hours  eyeing for fish, practice your best manouver  by patience and perspective and precision - in the end, the child you have will grow into a person they are meant to be

 

they will learn life their own way

you will control some but not all in the way that it goes for them

 

you cant remove unhappiness from their life

u cant remove struggle

what we can give to our kids - opportunities to be heard and seen, the practice they need to make rational decision based on meaningful values and consistency of our gladness that they are there

 

5. come home, we will always like you here

 

 

i got to bathe in gladness as a child, which gives me a distinct advantage grew as a person

knowing what gladness felt like, i can look for more of it

seek friends and relationships and ultimately a partner who can bring more light into my world, which i then try to pour into the lives of my own children

 

the practice i have had in finding the light inside other people - most valuable tool to overcome uncertainty and dealing in hard times

 

 

michelle needed her gladness

 

i am nothing but a grown up child myself, at the end of long day, feeling worn out and a little needy looking for solace and acceptance and a little snack

 

mother wise way build all of us

 

she lit up for us everydya so we can light up for others

she made us feel white house less like a museum and more like a home

 

 

 

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Its a wrap for Term 2 l

 Its a wrap for term 2!


Remi's childcare establishing 

Alexis's mental well being

Alexis's new friends start to be developed 

Picked up a weekly routine for myself

Major backlog has been caught up - house, files - although still have some backlog to clear - refer to email

Consolidated food routine

Started backyard

Started my own weight loss plan 

Done some work on my energy / breathing 

Very beginning of career picturing 



New in Term 3!

Carry on weekly routine on food 

Accelerate on backyard

Serious on my weight loss plan


GOAL: 

- Complete backyard

- Platter food in the afternoon

- Lose weight