The biggest part of parenthood is diving down to childhood trauma involutarily

We as parents have the obligation to really look after our bodies and our minds. To Really do that

Because that is the only way we can stand above the childhood trauma that we had, flashing before our very eyes, in that instantaneous moment, taking our rational mind over, and exert past trauma and lashing towards our children.  

When we felt like we are not being heard.

When we felt like we are not being listened to. 

When we felt like we are not in control over things.

I have a tendency to just - suppress suppress suppress (don't hold my boundary strong enough, don't use my words well enough to communicate the strong stance of not wanting to go there), then all of a sudden explode, yelling and shouting. 

That is not the kids problem.  That is my problem for not being able to express my needs better. 

And that is utmost work in progress.

It is not fair for our children, to be trembling crying on the floor

It will not work for our children to be treated like that, they will not learn anything

Whilst I know avoidance is not always the best, repair is better, but I am still learning how to do that repair as well, which is something I am lacking as well

And now I am dealing with the guilt and I am crying myself for letting that happen. 

I did manage to stop myself that moment, decide to forego that probiotics & teeth brushing, rather than choking Remi on the probiotics in a syringe in the car as she swings on the seatbelt as she clearly said she does not want it. 

I managed to stop myself from doing that action, which I know will scar Remi from any syringes going forward. 

I did try to pace myself, take deep breath as much as I can, letting off steam bit by bit in least damaging way for the kids. 

I feel like crying myself, from everything, most importantly from my own behaviour, under-enforcing boundary and over-reacting from getting suppressed explosion. 

Then I must remember that I was hurt too, in the past. 

That was my old way of coping and I see it better

I need to stop the vicious cycle and be better.

I need to remember to be kind to myself too.

To the past, hurt, younger version of myself. 

The crying turns from feeling regretful to feel sorry for myself.

Licking my own wounds.

I can only promise to my daughters, to my husband and to me, that I will take care of myself better, so I can control my emotion better in the future.

Parenting is hard :( 

Working with your family members

 As children are getting bigger

we are learning to work with each other

Alexis is the most similar to me with her way of thinking

Its just that  she is very fast, and I am very fast, and if we both too fast, in a slightly different direction, train crash. 

Jack is the most opposite to me

They are also adapting to me 

Do I want the experience to be pleasant? then I need to balance my mouth & my mind

It is also about 'making the experience' pleasant for Remi, Jack

so it is about angle-ing it so that they feel like they are part of the journey too

it takes time, of course

I'm sure we get better as we learn more :) 

I always can work with my mom, but I never really work with my dad, until I was 32 years old, working on management rights together. It was a pleasure to work with him, I admire his brain a lot. 

Frustration Frustration Frustration Frustration Frustration Frustration

 HEre i am screaming

SCREAMING

How hard does things have to be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This has a high risk to 

* undo everything i have done

I have to do it tactfully

But I am so nervous !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

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I have increased breakfast options for my kids 

My vision for the kids

 Alexis (6 years old)

Something to do with people, for sure

She will understand the psychology of people,  groups,  community

Her learning about famous people, history, cultures, war, would help her understand about the psychology of society 

Remi (2 years old)

Although it is still a bit too early to tell. She has a less 'people pleasing' tendency than Alexis.  She is less swayable by things.  She has a lot of anger and  fight for justice.  She has particularly strong conviction about things.   

My view about children

I rather then talking about the skills they are practicing, the imagination they are thinking, the things they are creating / building, the things they are doing to improve the life of themselves or others, the things that they learnt about the world


Parents are getting over their guilt by justifying themselves by being immersed in screen junk food and peer play with no adults whatsoever - is the way life is nowadays & it’s acceptable



When their kids are disconnected & defiant, parents resort to punishment, bribing to buy more materials, rewarding good behaviour by screen time, whilst the reason why they are disconnected in the first place is - because they just want - genuine deep connection - who their parents can provide more selflessly than their peers. This is a fact. Kids need the following before they can learn to have a trusted boyfriend or partner

emotional regulation


It is no wonder why anxiety depression and many mental health conditions are worst than ever in this society



Short term (one day) harmless, long term it’s unhealthy esp for young kids who don’t know any better.



Two days of being in this acceptable culture is enough to open Alexis’s lid.  Now she also sees how the most laidback parenting is. She sees other kids get what she doesn’t get. Comparison is the thief of joy



Im fighting so hard to go against the norm

I’m trying to find other parents who aren’t in mainstream



I know exposure to mainstream is inevitable but I also want her to be exposed by families who aren’t driven by junk food, screen and materialism in gaining their daily happiness

Mental adjustment by food

 Artifical dopamine

Social media

Fast food

Drugs

Alcohol

Partying

Drugs

Working

In my case, it is definitely alcohol, phone scrolling and  fast food - things like  japanese curry

just provides that mental relief, takes off the edge

alcohol makes me forget things, just loosen up and stop the thinking and go into the 'just-do-it, just-say-it' mode

phone scrolling gives me the stop the thinking too, and takes off some of the edges too, esp when there is something I can laugh to,  just break it up for me, so I don't get too intense

The phone scrolling, I successfuly get on top of that, due to my belief to be there for the kids 

Bhawana say recently you don't need Alcohol to give you that feeling 

Now I am also eliminating the food bit

Healthy dopamine

Cold shower

Running

Hiking

Exercising

Healthy food

Healthy relationship

Sleep

Music

Gratitude

Meditation

Writing

Laughing

All this time, food is my fix.  That is why for Remi it is so important. Not to keep on feeding her food when things get hard.  I dont want her to associate food as a relief of stress. 

There are intense emotion is to slowly co-regulate. 

I need to find ways of relief for myself. 

The Hard Truth

 The hard truth about me

Milestone and journeys

QLD Health

Renee - social worker - April 2022 to April 2023 

CYMHS

Colin - Nov 2021 to Jan 2022

Meredith - Feb 2022 to Apr 2022

Emma - May 2022 to Dec 2022

Clare - Jan 2023 to now 

PCL 

Katey - Aug 2021 to Dec 2021

Michelle - Dec 2021 to now 

Big breakdown - against Emma - Oct 2022   (Remi 14 months old)  

Fractured Foot - May 2022 to July 2022  (7 months to 9 months old) 

Remi breakdown in baby car seat Strathpine lollipop -  Aug 2022 (10 months old)

Baby Car Seat - Change from rear facing to front facing - Mar 2023  (19 months old) 

Stopped breastfeeding - Apr 2023  (20 months old) 

Remi start childcare - Feb 2023 (18 months old)  - tried playdates in Dec 2022 (16 mo) - did not work

Gonggong coming often 3-4 days a week - May 2022 until Feb 2023

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The anxiety was around

Remi don't want to be in pram

Remi don't want to be in car  any longer than 5 minutes 

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The pressing question was 

How to deal with 2 kids?  Remi is a newborn and is still ok, but what happen as she is more aware and fight for my attention? 

Aug 2021 to Dec 2022 - was my gruelling think in advance panic 'in-tunnel' experience 

I was hoping for a magic wand, but there is no magic wand. 

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The ultimate answer was

You can do it and you got it within you

Focusing on how you yourself can be well is the most important thing 

YOU HAVE TIME to find the answers, sign up to those likeminded moms and they often have the scripts in how to deal with it 

Manage my anxiety, my breathing, my body, listening to my body 

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Through the tumble and rumble of being in a tunnel washing machine (like in wet and wild) lots of panic attacks, crying and tears, I have gone from

- being absolutely petrified when with 2 kids 

- to 'willing to try' to spend time with 2 kids

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Being absolutely petrified when with 2 kids -  used to count by the minute  when Jack comes home.  I was with Remi  (remi no childcare) and   Alexis was in childcare 5 days a week since Remi was born. Alexis was in daycare  from 8:20am (dropped by Jack) to 5pm (picked up by me) and it used to be very nervewrecking.  Battling the mental exhaustion with Remi (not getting her sleeping or eating right) and myself (alot of unwell, panic feeling) and in that bad cycle. 

From the time I broke my foot, Remi won't deal with cars (May 2022 to Sep 2022) was particularly anxious period for me, and a lot of sickness too. I was isolated due to my broken foot, but also trapped as I can't go anywhere. I was in bad cycle with Remi's tiredness and food too. (Remi was 7 months to 13 months old) 

My dad, social worker, and child psychologist as well counsellor has been my rescues during this  dark period.

I remember feeling exhausted and panicky all the time. 

Coming from 5:15pm to 5:45pm when Jack arrives (30-40 minutes) was hard. 

I wanted to do better. I wanted to be less petrified. I just don't know how. 

I know by the time Dec 2022 finishes, Alexis will finish by 3pm so I have to learn how to deal with that. By the time both teachers left in Dec 2022, Alexis hates daycare and from mid-Jan 2023 I was willing to have Alexis and Remi home by myself (with Alexis occassionally going to daycare) 

The rescue was neighbour. Mainly dominic. His warmth, excitement and welcoming makes Alexis feeling less lost. It was a great introduction to St Flannans too. 

Phase adjustments and transitions

• From breastfeeding to bottles
• From home to daycare
• From daycare to school
• From school to school holiday

How to be mentally strong

Mentally prepared

need a lot of help by people

same goes with work 

which i need to have a good think about 

1. Stay-at-home path or Working path - narrowing my world, dont want to be like my mom

2. Need to solidify reason to stay at work - so I don't give up at first instance

3. Know that will be a tunnel experience again

4. Counsellor every 3 days?

5. Know my parameter

• 1 to 2 days a week
• Work from home option
• Also has part time mothers
• Supportive environment

Boss who can draw the line because I cannot draw that line myself 

How to create that boundary