Addressing the dilemmas of parenthood... and my take on it
Let me blow up on this topic
WHY DOES EVERYTHING TASTY HAS TO BE DAIRY
Cheese
Butter
Milk
Yoghurt
IT HAS TO BE SWEET
Chocolate
IT HAS TO BE BURNT, CRISPY, CRUNCHY
Chips
Fried chicken
IT HAS TO BE TOMATO
Tomato tasty
Anything with dairy, sugar, amine, etc.
LIFE IS SOOOOOO UNFAIR
We as parents have the obligation to really look after our bodies and our minds. To Really do that
Because that is the only way we can stand above the childhood trauma that we had, flashing before our very eyes, in that instantaneous moment, taking our rational mind over, and exert past trauma and lashing towards our children.
When we felt like we are not being heard.
When we felt like we are not being listened to.
When we felt like we are not in control over things.
I have a tendency to just - suppress suppress suppress (don't hold my boundary strong enough, don't use my words well enough to communicate the strong stance of not wanting to go there), then all of a sudden explode, yelling and shouting.
That is not the kids problem. That is my problem for not being able to express my needs better.
And that is utmost work in progress.
It is not fair for our children, to be trembling crying on the floor
It will not work for our children to be treated like that, they will not learn anything
Whilst I know avoidance is not always the best, repair is better, but I am still learning how to do that repair as well, which is something I am lacking as well
And now I am dealing with the guilt and I am crying myself for letting that happen.
I did manage to stop myself that moment, decide to forego that probiotics & teeth brushing, rather than choking Remi on the probiotics in a syringe in the car as she swings on the seatbelt as she clearly said she does not want it.
I managed to stop myself from doing that action, which I know will scar Remi from any syringes going forward.
I did try to pace myself, take deep breath as much as I can, letting off steam bit by bit in least damaging way for the kids.
I feel like crying myself, from everything, most importantly from my own behaviour, under-enforcing boundary and over-reacting from getting suppressed explosion.
Then I must remember that I was hurt too, in the past.
That was my old way of coping and I see it better
I need to stop the vicious cycle and be better.
I need to remember to be kind to myself too.
To the past, hurt, younger version of myself.
The crying turns from feeling regretful to feel sorry for myself.
Licking my own wounds.
I can only promise to my daughters, to my husband and to me, that I will take care of myself better, so I can control my emotion better in the future.
Parenting is hard :(
As children are getting bigger
we are learning to work with each other
Alexis is the most similar to me with her way of thinking
Its just that she is very fast, and I am very fast, and if we both too fast, in a slightly different direction, train crash.
Jack is the most opposite to me
They are also adapting to me
Do I want the experience to be pleasant? then I need to balance my mouth & my mind
It is also about 'making the experience' pleasant for Remi, Jack
so it is about angle-ing it so that they feel like they are part of the journey too
it takes time, of course
I'm sure we get better as we learn more :)
I always can work with my mom, but I never really work with my dad, until I was 32 years old, working on management rights together. It was a pleasure to work with him, I admire his brain a lot.
HEre i am screaming
SCREAMING
How hard does things have to be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This has a high risk to
* undo everything i have done
I have to do it tactfully
But I am so nervous !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
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I have increased breakfast options for my kids
Alexis (6 years old)
I rather then talking about the skills they are practicing, the imagination they are thinking, the things they are creating / building, the things they are doing to improve the life of themselves or others, the things that they learnt about the world
Parents are getting over their guilt by justifying themselves by being immersed in screen junk food and peer play with no adults whatsoever - is the way life is nowadays & it’s acceptable
When their kids are disconnected & defiant, parents resort to punishment, bribing to buy more materials, rewarding good behaviour by screen time, whilst the reason why they are disconnected in the first place is - because they just want - genuine deep connection - who their parents can provide more selflessly than their peers. This is a fact. Kids need the following before they can learn to have a trusted boyfriend or partner
emotional regulation
It is no wonder why anxiety depression and many mental health conditions are worst than ever in this society
Short term (one day) harmless, long term it’s unhealthy esp for young kids who don’t know any better.
Two days of being in this acceptable culture is enough to open Alexis’s lid. Now she also sees how the most laidback parenting is. She sees other kids get what she doesn’t get. Comparison is the thief of joy
Im fighting so hard to go against the norm
I’m trying to find other parents who aren’t in mainstream
I know exposure to mainstream is inevitable but I also want her to be exposed by families who aren’t driven by junk food, screen and materialism in gaining their daily happiness
Artifical dopamine
Social media
Fast food
Drugs
Alcohol
Partying
Drugs
Working
In my case, it is definitely alcohol, phone scrolling and fast food - things like japanese curry
just provides that mental relief, takes off the edge
alcohol makes me forget things, just loosen up and stop the thinking and go into the 'just-do-it, just-say-it' mode
phone scrolling gives me the stop the thinking too, and takes off some of the edges too, esp when there is something I can laugh to, just break it up for me, so I don't get too intense
The phone scrolling, I successfuly get on top of that, due to my belief to be there for the kids
Bhawana say recently you don't need Alcohol to give you that feeling
Now I am also eliminating the food bit
Healthy dopamine
Cold shower
Running
Hiking
Exercising
Healthy food
Healthy relationship
Sleep
Music
Gratitude
Meditation
Writing
Laughing
All this time, food is my fix. That is why for Remi it is so important. Not to keep on feeding her food when things get hard. I dont want her to associate food as a relief of stress.
There are intense emotion is to slowly co-regulate.
I need to find ways of relief for myself.