My god. I have listened to this chapter of the book 3 times now, finally got a chance to sit down & summarise it for myself. This chapter about motherhood is SO GOOD. It resonate so much with me.
have a fairly good idea of what to do to navigate parenting from 0 to 7 year old (in the case of Alexis anyway, I dont know about Remi as she is different) but I remained very confused from 7 year old to adulthood. Unexpectedly, Michelle Obama's mother is my answer. Her demeanour and how she carries herself, her perspective is gold. The level of detail that Michelle Obama provided was very helpful.
Just what I needed to change my trajectory.
Tying up to the need of 'letting go', this is about fostering not just physical independence but emotional independence, for them to develop their critical skill. And the end game of parenting worries (until when?)
An excerpt says "what we can give to our kids - to give them the opportunities to be heard and seen, the practice they need to make rational decision based on meaningful values and consistency of our gladness that they are there"
Trajectory
7 year old going through adulthood
My mom thinks that we should have our own family live
independent of her
and she felt that she too should have a life independent of
us
she likes her freedom
she likes her space
as a rule of thumb, she is hands off
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My fear over having a job and career myself will mess my kid
up
Any slightest issue is going to trigger a cascade of doubt
and guilt
My old friend, the fearful mind
One tiny thing go wrong and my mother guilt would kick in
I start second guessing every decision I have ever made
Self scrutiny
All stem from the feeding of unrealistic image of female
perfection
never could happen, but we keep trying
For mothers the feeling of not enoughness - is acute
The doubt generated by these artifacts can be undermining
I am as prone as this self blasteration as the next person
any sign of conflict and challenge, i would ferociously scan
my own mistake
have i been too tough or too indulging
have i been too absent or too present?
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u have somehow not done enough for your kids
or you have done everything wrong and they are now paying the
price for your neglicence or poor decision making
many of us feel this intensely
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you can become convinced if you pull back even a little, you
failed to do something, you will potentially doom your child
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parental anxiety - michelle's own mom
what she offer is perspective and presence
engaged listened, someone who can banish my fear to the back
of the room or reign me in when i am a little 'extra' with my fretting
important to always presume the BEST about children
that it is preferable to let them live up to your hope
than live down to your worries
grant trust than making them earn it
on the spot reality check
whatever
that was happening is not a failure but developmentally appropriate and within
the realm of expectation and I have done the same those dumb thing when i was young
I find that reassuring
those girls are all right
they are just trying to learn life
i too, was alright
i too, can calm down and trust my own judgment
1a. teach your kids to
eat by themselves
1b. teach your kids
how to wake up
how many minutes to get you out to school
tool or
challenge how to use it effectively become hers to figure out
mother not interested to whine
making it clear that her life is largely her own
2. it isn't about you
making parents out of business
deliberate undertaking on my part - learn to get our own feet
not just physically but also emotionally
singular goal - to render herself obselete
day to day practical tasks - her plan is to make herself not
needed
i am not raising babies, i am raising adults
whats the minimum i can do right now for them
self sufficiency matters above all else
we are operating on limited budget
time, money, food - need to be economical in all front
taught to appreciate what is given to us
teaching us to rely on ourselves to think clearly what we
needed is what our parents can convey
our parents cant give us shortcut, so parents give us skill
if our kids are to travel further than we have then they
would need big engine, not to mention the ability to do our own repair
our hands get in the way of their hands
she will show us how to do it, and quickly step aside
with the aid of step stool, dry the dishes
made our own bed
do our own laundry
daily practice of self reliance and problem solving
step by step of overcoming doubt and fear
until there is less overall to doubt and less to fear
easier to explore and discover
from one solid habit, can build more
first taste of power
mistake with chores
homework friends relationships
if u make a big deal, they will stop trying
none of it is tied to her own self worth or ego or done for
bragging rights
it is not about her at all
she is busy trying to wash her hands off us after all
her mood did not rise or fall on our victories
her happiness is not dictated by whether we come home with A
on our report card, whether Craig scored a lot in basketball games
when good things happened she was happy for us
when bad things happened she help us process it before
getting back to her own chores and challenges
the important thing
she loves us regardless we succeeded or failed
she lit up with gladness everytime we walked through the door
my mother remain quietly watchful over what was happening in
our life
she did not immediately offer to fight our battles
a lot of what we are learning was social developing skill to
understand who do we want to surround ourselves with, and on whose voice we
allow into our head and why
when she could, she found time to volunteer in our classroom
at school
which gives her useful window so she can recognise when we
truly needed help, vs when we need to just learning life
then she will sincerely ask 'do you need me to go in there
for you?'
she was pushing me to continue reasoning out the situation in
my head
how bad was it actually
what were the solutions
what could i do
this is how in the end, i usually knew i could trust my own
answer, which was - i think i can handle it
mom help me to puzzle out my own feelings and strategies
for dealings with them in part by giving
them room and taking care not to smother them with her own feelings and her own
opinions
if i get overly sulky about something i will tell her to do
one of her chores not as punishment exactly but as mean to rightsizing the
problem - get up and clean that bathroom she'd say it will put your mind on
things other than urself !!
inside our own home, she created a kind of emotional sandbox
where we can safely rehearse our feelings and sort through our responses to
whatever that is going on to our young life
she listen as we work through our problems out loud, whether
it was a math question or a playground issue, her advice when she gave it, tend
to be the hard boiled practical variety most often is a reminder to keep
perspective and to think backward to the end result we are hoping for to always
stay focused on that
once i was in high school not happy in dealing with a maths
teacher that struck me as arrogant. my mom heard my complain nodded
understandingly and shrugged you dont have to like your teacher and she doesnt
have to like you, but she has the maths in her head that you needed in your
head, so perhaps you should just go to school and get the maths
you can come home to be liked, we will always like you here
3. know
what is truly precious
not material, our body and soul are precious
our parents saw us each as different and treat us that way
they gear their parenting towards fostering our own indivdual
strength to drawing out what was best in us, rather than trying to fit us in
some pre-made ordained mould
respectful of our elders and abide some general rules, but we
also spoke our mind, always voice your thought
never feel they have to tip toe in their own home
establish basic rules and governing principles
making bed as soon as they are old enough to make their own
bed
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how to proceed with our children
one that wants more guard rail from her parents, one that
want fewer
one that respond first to my emotion, and one would take my
word at face value
each kid has their own temperament, sensitivites, her own
needs, strengths and set of boundaries
and way of interpreting the world around her
we trust her to do her own thing
my moms timeless reminder
just calm down & trust my judgment
gradually learn to read our kids for cues, adapting what each
were showing us, trying to interpret their development to what we understood as
their own idnvidual gifts and needs
parenting - fly fishing - where you stand for hours eyeing for fish, practice your best
manouver by patience and perspective and
precision - in the end, the child you have will grow into a person they are
meant to be
they will learn life their own way
you will control some but not all in the way that it goes for
them
you cant remove unhappiness from their life
u cant remove struggle
what we can give to our kids - opportunities to be heard and
seen, the practice they need to make rational decision based on meaningful
values and consistency of our gladness that they are there
5. come home, we will always like you here
i got to bathe in gladness as a child, which gives me a
distinct advantage grew as a person
knowing what gladness felt like, i can look for more of it
seek friends and relationships and ultimately a partner who can
bring more light into my world, which i then try to pour into the lives of my
own children
the practice i have had in finding the light inside other
people - most valuable tool to overcome uncertainty and dealing in hard times
michelle needed her gladness
i am nothing but a grown up child myself, at the end of long
day, feeling worn out and a little needy looking for solace and acceptance and
a little snack
mother wise way build all of us
she lit up for us everydya so we can light up for others
she made us feel white house less like a museum and more like
a home
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