Super happy, refreshed mood
Characteristic:
- super cheerful
- patient
- high energy
- 'accommodate' anything that you do, including cleaning her face!
Type of play:
- any game is ok
- she can also play by herself
- rolling around by herself
- good opportunity to encourage her to do 'new things' that will enhance her development, get her to raise her hands (superman pose)
--------------------------------------
Average mood
Characteristic:
- generally happy
- generally patient
- does show unhappiness on things that she doesn't like - e.g. cleaning her face
Type of play:
- same as above, but she cannot play by herself
- needs more encouragement / enticement to roll by herself
- needs excitement from you, sing children songs
- read books
- hold big ball
- grab objects that is slightly out of reach
- play gym
- talk to her
- sing to her
- dance with her
- activities per the phone
---------------------------------------
Grumpy mood
Characteristic:
- likes to rub eyes / ears
- inpatient
- short fused, can only play game a little bit
- doesn't really like rolling the other way
Type of play:
- white/blue board
- flying fabric
- dance with her
- rice bag goes a long way
Addressing the dilemmas of parenthood... and my take on it
Putting baby to sleep
There are two types of putting baby to sleep
(1) Out of bliss
(2) Out of exhaustion
For example,
Milk drunk = bliss
Calm, tired, comfortable = bliss
Exhaustion = exhausted from playing
Exhaustion = exhausted from crying
The confinement lady is definitely out of exhaustion from crying
----------------------------------------------
** Key ONE - how to resolve the screaming crying **
Many babies 'fight' sleep by screaming and crying when they know they are put to sleep - even though they are tired, they just cannot sleep - they had to scream and cry
For the first 5.5 months I have been battling how to 'calm' her from that 'screaming cry' peak moment
Just patting / stroking her on the cot NEVER work when she is screaming crying like that
You have to pick her up; AND then
you gotta do the 'big' bouncing movement (less tiring if I bounce her on the gym ball)
That is a type of distraction, something bigger than her screaming crying - and that works
But it is physically tiring for the parents, lower back pain from bouncing on gym ball, painful hands/arms/elbows from hug-locking her
If you leave her in the cot, she will eventually stop her screaming crying but that would be out of exhaustion, exhausted from too much crying - i.e. 'cry it out'
I hug lock her, sometimes I think that 'contributes' to her crying more because face it, that position is not comfortable (but that is what is physically possible for me/the parent to hold and bounce her) and then that is being offset by the bouncing gym ball ('the bigger distraction') to reduce the crying back down
To resolve the screaming crying, there has to be a big distraction, or some soothing motion
In my case, the savior is
(1) White noise
(2) Dummy
White noise gives her that BIG distraction
Dummy gives her that BIG soothing motion
Those two reduces the screaming crying right down, make her in a calm stage, and then
** I finally got it figured out **
----------------------------------------------
The principles still remains:
(1) Out of bliss
(2) Out of exhaustion
For example,
Milk drunk = bliss
Calm, tired, comfortable = bliss
Exhaustion = exhausted from playing
Exhaustion = exhausted from crying
The confinement lady is definitely out of exhaustion from crying
----------------------------------------------
** Key ONE - how to resolve the screaming crying **
Many babies 'fight' sleep by screaming and crying when they know they are put to sleep - even though they are tired, they just cannot sleep - they had to scream and cry
For the first 5.5 months I have been battling how to 'calm' her from that 'screaming cry' peak moment
Just patting / stroking her on the cot NEVER work when she is screaming crying like that
You have to pick her up; AND then
you gotta do the 'big' bouncing movement (less tiring if I bounce her on the gym ball)
That is a type of distraction, something bigger than her screaming crying - and that works
But it is physically tiring for the parents, lower back pain from bouncing on gym ball, painful hands/arms/elbows from hug-locking her
If you leave her in the cot, she will eventually stop her screaming crying but that would be out of exhaustion, exhausted from too much crying - i.e. 'cry it out'
I hug lock her, sometimes I think that 'contributes' to her crying more because face it, that position is not comfortable (but that is what is physically possible for me/the parent to hold and bounce her) and then that is being offset by the bouncing gym ball ('the bigger distraction') to reduce the crying back down
To resolve the screaming crying, there has to be a big distraction, or some soothing motion
In my case, the savior is
(1) White noise
(2) Dummy
White noise gives her that BIG distraction
Dummy gives her that BIG soothing motion
Those two reduces the screaming crying right down, make her in a calm stage, and then
** I finally got it figured out **
----------------------------------------------
** Key TWO - restrict her body movements **
I don't know what you call it, whether it is "Startling reflex" or whatnot
My baby definitely wakes up if she moves too much
The savior is:
(1) Zipadeezip
(2) Sideways sleeping
Zipadeezip is definitely a savior
It is not TOO restrictive like the Kmart white velcro swaddle or the love to dream
So she can still move, but not 100%, she only moved 80% and that 20% of restriction helps her startling reflex
Sometimes just that works
But - if the body movement is still too much,
Place the baby sideways, it 'locks' her hands and restrict her body movements
----------------------------------------------
The principles still remains:
Suck - dummy
Swaddle - restrict body movement
Sideways - sideways in cot
Ssshh - white noise
Swing - gym ball
------------------------------------------
When I used to bounce my baby to sleep, in my heart, I decided that I do not want to sleep train. But I am still open to try other ways.
In my point of view,
'I put baby to sleep in any ways that is physically capable for me to do'
As in, someday if the baby grows too heavy and my hands get sore,
Then I would put her in the cot longer, and let her cry longer
Because my hands just can't do it anymore
That is a sign, to me, that I am taking care of my baby's emotional well being as much as I physically could. If she had to cry because my hands can't take it anymore, then so be it. But at least I have done my best. But thank goodness, I don't have to worry about that anymore. As now my baby is able to fall asleep on her own! Refer to 'falling asleep on her own' for more details - my take on it and why it worked for me.
------------------------------------------
When I used to bounce my baby to sleep, in my heart, I decided that I do not want to sleep train. But I am still open to try other ways.
In my point of view,
'I put baby to sleep in any ways that is physically capable for me to do'
As in, someday if the baby grows too heavy and my hands get sore,
Then I would put her in the cot longer, and let her cry longer
Because my hands just can't do it anymore
That is a sign, to me, that I am taking care of my baby's emotional well being as much as I physically could. If she had to cry because my hands can't take it anymore, then so be it. But at least I have done my best. But thank goodness, I don't have to worry about that anymore. As now my baby is able to fall asleep on her own! Refer to 'falling asleep on her own' for more details - my take on it and why it worked for me.
What child sees vs What you see
What the child see
What you see
-----------------------
The two simplest form of observations
But parents often do the next step, i.e. inferring, not just observing
What you think the child see
Judgment
Assumptions
e.g. my child never sleep in the pram - really?
my child need constant bouncing to sleep - really?
Sometimes what you think, is what you are
That is a huge mental trap for parents
I have to remind myself times and times again
Sometimes it is best for me to keep my opinions to my child to myself
Because as soon as I try to vocalise it, I 'establish' it - set it in
Often I do NOT want to make up my mind about things
I want to keep it open
I keep that level of 'non-judgement' observation for as long as I could
That way its giving the child enough room to manouver
I don't know if this is the right way, but thats what I am thinking so far
What you see
-----------------------
The two simplest form of observations
But parents often do the next step, i.e. inferring, not just observing
What you think the child see
Judgment
Assumptions
e.g. my child never sleep in the pram - really?
my child need constant bouncing to sleep - really?
Sometimes what you think, is what you are
That is a huge mental trap for parents
I have to remind myself times and times again
Sometimes it is best for me to keep my opinions to my child to myself
Because as soon as I try to vocalise it, I 'establish' it - set it in
Often I do NOT want to make up my mind about things
I want to keep it open
I keep that level of 'non-judgement' observation for as long as I could
That way its giving the child enough room to manouver
I don't know if this is the right way, but thats what I am thinking so far
Blindspot for Parents
"Deck of cards"
I have been attending to this "circle of security" class that talks about emotional and mental development of young children. In there, we did this exercise, where they show you a deck of cards and ask you to count how many picture cards shown. We replied 6 - and we got it right! That is good, but how many of you notice the back of the some of the cards have letters? None of us noticed. When they show the deck of cards again, we now noticed the letters at the back of the cards too.
The point is, if you don't know what you are looking for, it is very easy to miss things. That goes the same with parenthood.
* * *
"It is amazing in terms of what you don't see".
When your baby behaves a certain way, parents assume its one thing - but it could actually be something else.
You rationalise things in accordance to your understanding of the situation. Then you act upon it, based on your set of values. But somewhere along the way, that understanding, that rationalisation, that set of values may not be fitting to the child. You may be missing a critical fact. As a result, that may not be what the child wants/needs.
It often gets harder to change when you are not open to change your view - and adamant that "you are right" - are you really?
When the gap gets bigger and bigger, it becomes a blindspot.
We sometimes blame how our parents just don't understand our point of view. How they are set in their way of thinking and how they don't see what we see. Have you ever thought that you could very well make that mistake too? How do you know what you don't know?
* * *
Even recently, I realised that I already have a blind spot - and my baby is only 5 months:
When the baby is upset, I just assumed she is fussy, tired, etc. But I did not realise she is actually teething. The trap is:
- not realising what the child is really experiencing
- not realising what the child wants
- not realising the child's emotions
Being 'present' with the child is the number 1 key.
Keeping yourself informed about the child's situation, and just open all your senses for him/her.
Building that relationship with her, that trust, so that she will be more open to you.
The thing is, there is "life" that you have to live as well. You gotta be practical. How can you try to juggle that "life" whilst attending to your child? That is the tricky situation isn't it. I don't know the answer to that.
Parenting is about 70% turning up. 70% of being there for the kid. And that mental space & commitment.
Keeping an open mind, would hopefully minimise my blindspot.
I have been attending to this "circle of security" class that talks about emotional and mental development of young children. In there, we did this exercise, where they show you a deck of cards and ask you to count how many picture cards shown. We replied 6 - and we got it right! That is good, but how many of you notice the back of the some of the cards have letters? None of us noticed. When they show the deck of cards again, we now noticed the letters at the back of the cards too.
The point is, if you don't know what you are looking for, it is very easy to miss things. That goes the same with parenthood.
* * *
"It is amazing in terms of what you don't see".
When your baby behaves a certain way, parents assume its one thing - but it could actually be something else.
You rationalise things in accordance to your understanding of the situation. Then you act upon it, based on your set of values. But somewhere along the way, that understanding, that rationalisation, that set of values may not be fitting to the child. You may be missing a critical fact. As a result, that may not be what the child wants/needs.
It often gets harder to change when you are not open to change your view - and adamant that "you are right" - are you really?
When the gap gets bigger and bigger, it becomes a blindspot.
We sometimes blame how our parents just don't understand our point of view. How they are set in their way of thinking and how they don't see what we see. Have you ever thought that you could very well make that mistake too? How do you know what you don't know?
* * *
Even recently, I realised that I already have a blind spot - and my baby is only 5 months:
When the baby is upset, I just assumed she is fussy, tired, etc. But I did not realise she is actually teething. The trap is:
- not realising what the child is really experiencing
- not realising what the child wants
- not realising the child's emotions
Being 'present' with the child is the number 1 key.
Keeping yourself informed about the child's situation, and just open all your senses for him/her.
Building that relationship with her, that trust, so that she will be more open to you.
The thing is, there is "life" that you have to live as well. You gotta be practical. How can you try to juggle that "life" whilst attending to your child? That is the tricky situation isn't it. I don't know the answer to that.
Parenting is about 70% turning up. 70% of being there for the kid. And that mental space & commitment.
Keeping an open mind, would hopefully minimise my blindspot.
Caring vs Developing bad habit
Is it bad to attend to baby's every whimper?
Children developing bad habit - when is that?
Self soothe - when is that?
-------------------
"Don't attend to your baby all the time, you will develop bad habit of the baby to depend on you too much"
"Your baby needs to learn to self soothe, need to start right here right now!"
"Let your baby cry for 5 minutes before attending to her"
Those are the comments that I get.
-------------------
First of all, before I say anything, let me recognise the fact that the PARENTS's psychology plays a major factor here.
Social circle's attitude also plays a heavy factor - if the parents succumb to it of course. If the parents are strong-grounded, then social circle wouldn't affect them as much.
For example:
Since newborn, you bounce the baby to sleep, always
You have tried other methods, it just does not work
You never let the baby cry it out
The baby, now older, only wants to be bounced to sleep
Your social circle's people keep on telling you 'well thats because you bounce your baby to sleep. Now it becomes her bad habit'
Suddenly it is all your fault, you created bad habit for her
You silently protest 'but thats because she can't sleep using any other methods!'
'You should let your baby cry it out, she need to adapt to it. It would 'break' her bad habit'
That was me
But at almost 6 months, I tried the dummy on her, and it works!
I put on new swaddle on her, it seems to work!
I put white noise on -
suddenly baby fall to sleep on her own!
What was it to say about the 'bad habit' that I have created?
-------------------------
Let me break it down for you
Most of the time, Baby slept after being bounced = Fact
At those times, Baby could not sleep when pat shoosh in cot = Fact
You have created bad habit = Perception of social circle
Baby can ONLY sleep after being bounced = Perception of you as parents
Last two are perceptions - they are not facts - it is a dangerous mental trap
First one made you feel like you suck as parents
Second one made you feel like you are stuck / hopeless
In this case, I managed to find other ways to make the environment comfortable AND suitable for my baby's temperament, which enables her to sleep.
But the above is a simple example. I am sure there will be more of other examples that are less straightforward, especially as the child gets older.
---------------------------
In the future, when your child behaves certain ways - who is to say that is *BECAUSE* it is your fault?
- you made them develop that bad habit
- you did not interfere / train them enough
I believe the truth lies in somewhere in between nature vs nurture
But the point is - how do you know?
- how do you know that behavior is predominantly because of you letting the baby develop that bad habit
- how do you know that behavior is not because of the baby's dominant nature?
- how do you know that if you turn back time, you get other parent to parent your baby, that your child will behave much better?
- how can your social circle be so sure?
The thing is, you will NEVER know. You will never be able to turn back time.
So why fret, why spend all those times, succumbing to society, beating yourself up for creating that bad habit?
Why spend all those times, thinking at 'what you could have done'?
The thing is, do believe that you really have done the best, based on the resources you got at the time, based on what you know how.
You gather as much views, opinions, and try to understand why they see it that way
Then you make your own decision
You pick the parental methodology that suit you, your heart, your values, your circumstances
You learn to trust your instinct
At the end, you really try your best
Whatever the outcome is, whatever the outcome
----------------------------------
My view is
Children developing bad habit - when is that?
Self soothe - when is that?
-------------------
"Don't attend to your baby all the time, you will develop bad habit of the baby to depend on you too much"
"Your baby needs to learn to self soothe, need to start right here right now!"
"Let your baby cry for 5 minutes before attending to her"
Those are the comments that I get.
-------------------
Social circle's attitude also plays a heavy factor - if the parents succumb to it of course. If the parents are strong-grounded, then social circle wouldn't affect them as much.
For example:
Since newborn, you bounce the baby to sleep, always
You have tried other methods, it just does not work
You never let the baby cry it out
The baby, now older, only wants to be bounced to sleep
Your social circle's people keep on telling you 'well thats because you bounce your baby to sleep. Now it becomes her bad habit'
Suddenly it is all your fault, you created bad habit for her
You silently protest 'but thats because she can't sleep using any other methods!'
'You should let your baby cry it out, she need to adapt to it. It would 'break' her bad habit'
That was me
But at almost 6 months, I tried the dummy on her, and it works!
I put on new swaddle on her, it seems to work!
I put white noise on -
suddenly baby fall to sleep on her own!
What was it to say about the 'bad habit' that I have created?
-------------------------
Let me break it down for you
Most of the time, Baby slept after being bounced = Fact
At those times, Baby could not sleep when pat shoosh in cot = Fact
You have created bad habit = Perception of social circle
Baby can ONLY sleep after being bounced = Perception of you as parents
Last two are perceptions - they are not facts - it is a dangerous mental trap
First one made you feel like you suck as parents
Second one made you feel like you are stuck / hopeless
In this case, I managed to find other ways to make the environment comfortable AND suitable for my baby's temperament, which enables her to sleep.
But the above is a simple example. I am sure there will be more of other examples that are less straightforward, especially as the child gets older.
---------------------------
In the future, when your child behaves certain ways - who is to say that is *BECAUSE* it is your fault?
- you made them develop that bad habit
- you did not interfere / train them enough
I believe the truth lies in somewhere in between nature vs nurture
But the point is - how do you know?
- how do you know that behavior is predominantly because of you letting the baby develop that bad habit
- how do you know that behavior is not because of the baby's dominant nature?
- how do you know that if you turn back time, you get other parent to parent your baby, that your child will behave much better?
- how can your social circle be so sure?
The thing is, you will NEVER know. You will never be able to turn back time.
So why fret, why spend all those times, succumbing to society, beating yourself up for creating that bad habit?
Why spend all those times, thinking at 'what you could have done'?
The thing is, do believe that you really have done the best, based on the resources you got at the time, based on what you know how.
You gather as much views, opinions, and try to understand why they see it that way
Then you make your own decision
You pick the parental methodology that suit you, your heart, your values, your circumstances
You learn to trust your instinct
At the end, you really try your best
Whatever the outcome is, whatever the outcome
----------------------------------
My view is
- For the first 12 months, I will NEVER worry about spoiling the baby too much
- I am NOT worrying about developing a bad habit for her at all
- Upto 12 months, I do not believe baby's brain is capable of manipulation, or developing 'habits' - behavior that is hard to change later on
- I do believe babies can get 'used' to certain things - but I dont necessarily think it to be a 'habit'
- I care more about making sure that I am making her feel emotionally secure
- Yes I WILL try to attend to her every emotion - whether its whimper, happy, upset, etc - as much as physically possible for me
- I want her to know that I got her back. I want to share delight with her being happy. I am there to comfort her when she is upset.
- Now that is being a priority, the only other equation is my OWN life - whether I have eaten or not, house chores, my own well being - exercise, food, etc.
- For my OWN life, I am prioritising my well being - because it is linked. But I am really taking it slowly. I do not want too much - my expectation towards the quality of my own life is really not that high. Because it is a balancing act. The more I want to beautify myself/the house/earn money more - it is more at the expense of the child - the less available I will be to the child.
- As I am expanding my OWN life sphere, I also do try to let the baby play on their own - because I do not want to impede to her exploration adventure.
- The balance is all about how I SEE it - what I need VS what I PERCEIVE to be what the baby needs. I will continue to adjust that as I see the baby developing. But I could not care less what my social circle thinks.
- Yes she currently may not survive in the childcare, but I try to minimise her childcare anyway. I believe currently her brain is NOT capable to develop that strong sense of independence - without the expense of feeling threatened / unsafe. But I DO understand that THAT Is only my perception. And I am still keeping an open mind. So I am still willing to put her in childcare. But currently MENTALLY I could only accept 1 hour per week to 'throw her' into the deep end.
- The whole notion of 'making' her self soothe is bullshit - because I dont believe that could be achieved without too much of an expense to your child's mental well being. Your child will just feel upset- and it affects her cortisone level / neurological part of her brain in handling stress - but your child will never consciously know or feel that being a 'self-soothe'. Self soothe means, baby figure out a technique to make herself calm - but the underlying is still perfectly comfortable / unaffected. I BELIEVE there will be effects in the underlying.
- I believe my baby will learn to self-soothe naturally as part of her development. As her brain develops more. I believe I should not worry about 'fastening that self-soothe department' quicker on her behalf - because if I do, I am afraid that will be of the expense of the child's mental well being, damaging her in some ways.
- So I will do it slowly, more naturally, and the way I feel comfortable in, as I see how comfortable does she take it -
- IT IS ALL ABOUT UNDERSTANDING WHAT THE BABY IS CAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING - its pointless to expect a baby to do something that she is not capable of (self soothe) - be realistic and keep learning on what your baby is capable of understanding, before you make decisions on how you treat your child
- I know she has to face the real world someday, but first 12 months is not the place for it.
- Of course, for me, there will be certain hardline boundaries - for example, firm decision of her not crossing the road on her own, because of safety reason.
- And the way they treat you - be aware that they may not be aware of it. Your child will never intentionally want to 'bully' you.
- You draw a boundary line on the way you do NOT want to be treated
- For example, your child pulling your hair - do you think the child is deliberate, does the child understand its a no means no? does the child understand why he/she can't do that? does the child is capable to understand why? Maybe its good enough for the child to associate 'no' to pulling hair - but in what ways you should do so, so that he/she doesn't feel hurt when you reprimand them when they pull the hair. If you go to far, do they understand why you are so mad at them? Do they feel that you don't love him/her anymore? I am sure there will be a whole very interesting world of 'disciplining' your child, which I would explore more as my baby grows.
Helping vs Not making the child independent
Example
Helping the baby to grab an object when she finds it hard to reach
Gently push the baby over to roll when she only does halfway rolling
Is that bad?
One viewpoint is that it is good so that it shows the baby what to do - helps her learn the ropes.
Another viewpoint is that you are not letting the baby to figure things out herself.
Of course, this example as a baby, is nothing when you compare to adolescent, teenager years
If I were the kid, I want to figure things out myself. It gives me so much more sense of accomplishment if I manage to figure it out myself. If my mom keep on interrupting me and "showing" me what to do, it actually makes me lost confidence that I could do it myself. Or it could make me feel lazy, as my mom will show it anyway. Or it could make me feel delusional and think 'things are easy', not appreciating the journey. There are definitely implications.
There is this TV show, This is us - Season 2, shows a very interesting episode about a mother who in the name of 'help', made the daughter lost her self confidence. The mother did not realise it, the gap went on for three decades.
So as a mom, I need to find the balance between - encouraging development / productive / giving constructive criticism - vs - affecting her self esteem
Once the kid able to express more (verbally or non-verbally), I would be guided by her cues - and only help her if she asks for help.
Helping the baby to grab an object when she finds it hard to reach
Gently push the baby over to roll when she only does halfway rolling
Is that bad?
One viewpoint is that it is good so that it shows the baby what to do - helps her learn the ropes.
Another viewpoint is that you are not letting the baby to figure things out herself.
Of course, this example as a baby, is nothing when you compare to adolescent, teenager years
If I were the kid, I want to figure things out myself. It gives me so much more sense of accomplishment if I manage to figure it out myself. If my mom keep on interrupting me and "showing" me what to do, it actually makes me lost confidence that I could do it myself. Or it could make me feel lazy, as my mom will show it anyway. Or it could make me feel delusional and think 'things are easy', not appreciating the journey. There are definitely implications.
There is this TV show, This is us - Season 2, shows a very interesting episode about a mother who in the name of 'help', made the daughter lost her self confidence. The mother did not realise it, the gap went on for three decades.
So as a mom, I need to find the balance between - encouraging development / productive / giving constructive criticism - vs - affecting her self esteem
Once the kid able to express more (verbally or non-verbally), I would be guided by her cues - and only help her if she asks for help.
Raising a child is like Gardening
* * *
Raising a child is like gardening
You nurture it, you water it, you take care of it
It is not about trying to turn a rose to be a lily
It is about making her the best rose that she can be
* * *
Every child is unique, just like every flower is unique
You don't try to change the seeds
You recognise them as who they are
And encourage them to be the best version of themselves
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)