Addressing the dilemmas of parenthood... and my take on it
Let me blow up on this topic
WHY DOES EVERYTHING TASTY HAS TO BE DAIRY
Cheese
Butter
Milk
Yoghurt
IT HAS TO BE SWEET
Chocolate
IT HAS TO BE BURNT, CRISPY, CRUNCHY
Chips
Fried chicken
IT HAS TO BE TOMATO
Tomato tasty
Anything with dairy, sugar, amine, etc.
LIFE IS SOOOOOO UNFAIR
We as parents have the obligation to really look after our bodies and our minds. To Really do that
Because that is the only way we can stand above the childhood trauma that we had, flashing before our very eyes, in that instantaneous moment, taking our rational mind over, and exert past trauma and lashing towards our children.
When we felt like we are not being heard.
When we felt like we are not being listened to.
When we felt like we are not in control over things.
I have a tendency to just - suppress suppress suppress (don't hold my boundary strong enough, don't use my words well enough to communicate the strong stance of not wanting to go there), then all of a sudden explode, yelling and shouting.
That is not the kids problem. That is my problem for not being able to express my needs better.
And that is utmost work in progress.
It is not fair for our children, to be trembling crying on the floor
It will not work for our children to be treated like that, they will not learn anything
Whilst I know avoidance is not always the best, repair is better, but I am still learning how to do that repair as well, which is something I am lacking as well
And now I am dealing with the guilt and I am crying myself for letting that happen.
I did manage to stop myself that moment, decide to forego that probiotics & teeth brushing, rather than choking Remi on the probiotics in a syringe in the car as she swings on the seatbelt as she clearly said she does not want it.
I managed to stop myself from doing that action, which I know will scar Remi from any syringes going forward.
I did try to pace myself, take deep breath as much as I can, letting off steam bit by bit in least damaging way for the kids.
I feel like crying myself, from everything, most importantly from my own behaviour, under-enforcing boundary and over-reacting from getting suppressed explosion.
Then I must remember that I was hurt too, in the past.
That was my old way of coping and I see it better
I need to stop the vicious cycle and be better.
I need to remember to be kind to myself too.
To the past, hurt, younger version of myself.
The crying turns from feeling regretful to feel sorry for myself.
Licking my own wounds.
I can only promise to my daughters, to my husband and to me, that I will take care of myself better, so I can control my emotion better in the future.
Parenting is hard :(