Addressing the dilemmas of parenthood... and my take on it
Alexis (6 years old)
I rather then talking about the skills they are practicing, the imagination they are thinking, the things they are creating / building, the things they are doing to improve the life of themselves or others, the things that they learnt about the world
Parents are getting over their guilt by justifying themselves by being immersed in screen junk food and peer play with no adults whatsoever - is the way life is nowadays & it’s acceptable
When their kids are disconnected & defiant, parents resort to punishment, bribing to buy more materials, rewarding good behaviour by screen time, whilst the reason why they are disconnected in the first place is - because they just want - genuine deep connection - who their parents can provide more selflessly than their peers. This is a fact. Kids need the following before they can learn to have a trusted boyfriend or partner
emotional regulation
It is no wonder why anxiety depression and many mental health conditions are worst than ever in this society
Short term (one day) harmless, long term it’s unhealthy esp for young kids who don’t know any better.
Two days of being in this acceptable culture is enough to open Alexis’s lid. Now she also sees how the most laidback parenting is. She sees other kids get what she doesn’t get. Comparison is the thief of joy
Im fighting so hard to go against the norm
I’m trying to find other parents who aren’t in mainstream
I know exposure to mainstream is inevitable but I also want her to be exposed by families who aren’t driven by junk food, screen and materialism in gaining their daily happiness
Artifical dopamine
Social media
Fast food
Drugs
Alcohol
Partying
Drugs
Working
In my case, it is definitely alcohol, phone scrolling and fast food - things like japanese curry
just provides that mental relief, takes off the edge
alcohol makes me forget things, just loosen up and stop the thinking and go into the 'just-do-it, just-say-it' mode
phone scrolling gives me the stop the thinking too, and takes off some of the edges too, esp when there is something I can laugh to, just break it up for me, so I don't get too intense
The phone scrolling, I successfuly get on top of that, due to my belief to be there for the kids
Bhawana say recently you don't need Alcohol to give you that feeling
Now I am also eliminating the food bit
Healthy dopamine
Cold shower
Running
Hiking
Exercising
Healthy food
Healthy relationship
Sleep
Music
Gratitude
Meditation
Writing
Laughing
All this time, food is my fix. That is why for Remi it is so important. Not to keep on feeding her food when things get hard. I dont want her to associate food as a relief of stress.
There are intense emotion is to slowly co-regulate.
I need to find ways of relief for myself.
The hard truth about me
Milestone and journeys
QLD Health
Renee - social worker - April 2022 to April 2023
CYMHS
Colin - Nov 2021 to Jan 2022
Meredith - Feb 2022 to Apr 2022
Emma - May 2022 to Dec 2022
Clare - Jan 2023 to now
PCL
Katey - Aug 2021 to Dec 2021
Michelle - Dec 2021 to now
Big breakdown - against Emma - Oct 2022 (Remi 14 months old)
Fractured Foot - May 2022 to July 2022 (7 months to 9 months old)
Remi breakdown in baby car seat Strathpine lollipop - Aug 2022 (10 months old)
Baby Car Seat - Change from rear facing to front facing - Mar 2023 (19 months old)
Stopped breastfeeding - Apr 2023 (20 months old)
Remi start childcare - Feb 2023 (18 months old) - tried playdates in Dec 2022 (16 mo) - did not work
Gonggong coming often 3-4 days a week - May 2022 until Feb 2023
--------------
The anxiety was around
Remi don't want to be in pram
Remi don't want to be in car any longer than 5 minutes
-----------
The pressing question was
How to deal with 2 kids? Remi is a newborn and is still ok, but what happen as she is more aware and fight for my attention?
Aug 2021 to Dec 2022 - was my gruelling think in advance panic 'in-tunnel' experience
I was hoping for a magic wand, but there is no magic wand.
-------------
The ultimate answer was
You can do it and you got it within you
Focusing on how you yourself can be well is the most important thing
YOU HAVE TIME to find the answers, sign up to those likeminded moms and they often have the scripts in how to deal with it
Manage my anxiety, my breathing, my body, listening to my body
----------------
Through the tumble and rumble of being in a tunnel washing machine (like in wet and wild) lots of panic attacks, crying and tears, I have gone from
- being absolutely petrified when with 2 kids
- to 'willing to try' to spend time with 2 kids
---------------
Being absolutely petrified when with 2 kids - used to count by the minute when Jack comes home. I was with Remi (remi no childcare) and Alexis was in childcare 5 days a week since Remi was born. Alexis was in daycare from 8:20am (dropped by Jack) to 5pm (picked up by me) and it used to be very nervewrecking. Battling the mental exhaustion with Remi (not getting her sleeping or eating right) and myself (alot of unwell, panic feeling) and in that bad cycle.
From the time I broke my foot, Remi won't deal with cars (May 2022 to Sep 2022) was particularly anxious period for me, and a lot of sickness too. I was isolated due to my broken foot, but also trapped as I can't go anywhere. I was in bad cycle with Remi's tiredness and food too. (Remi was 7 months to 13 months old)
My dad, social worker, and child psychologist as well counsellor has been my rescues during this dark period.
I remember feeling exhausted and panicky all the time.
Coming from 5:15pm to 5:45pm when Jack arrives (30-40 minutes) was hard.
I wanted to do better. I wanted to be less petrified. I just don't know how.
I know by the time Dec 2022 finishes, Alexis will finish by 3pm so I have to learn how to deal with that. By the time both teachers left in Dec 2022, Alexis hates daycare and from mid-Jan 2023 I was willing to have Alexis and Remi home by myself (with Alexis occassionally going to daycare)
The rescue was neighbour. Mainly dominic. His warmth, excitement and welcoming makes Alexis feeling less lost. It was a great introduction to St Flannans too.
Phase adjustments and transitions
My god. I have listened to this chapter of the book 3 times now, finally got a chance to sit down & summarise it for myself. This chapter about motherhood is SO GOOD. It resonate so much with me.
have a fairly good idea of what to do to navigate parenting from 0 to 7 year old (in the case of Alexis anyway, I dont know about Remi as she is different) but I remained very confused from 7 year old to adulthood. Unexpectedly, Michelle Obama's mother is my answer. Her demeanour and how she carries herself, her perspective is gold. The level of detail that Michelle Obama provided was very helpful.
Just what I needed to change my trajectory.
Tying up to the need of 'letting go', this is about fostering not just physical independence but emotional independence, for them to develop their critical skill. And the end game of parenting worries (until when?)
An excerpt says "what we can give to our kids - to give them the opportunities to be heard and seen, the practice they need to make rational decision based on meaningful values and consistency of our gladness that they are there"
Trajectory
7 year old going through adulthood
My mom thinks that we should have our own family live
independent of her
and she felt that she too should have a life independent of
us
she likes her freedom
she likes her space
as a rule of thumb, she is hands off
----------------
My fear over having a job and career myself will mess my kid
up
Any slightest issue is going to trigger a cascade of doubt
and guilt
My old friend, the fearful mind
One tiny thing go wrong and my mother guilt would kick in
I start second guessing every decision I have ever made
Self scrutiny
All stem from the feeding of unrealistic image of female
perfection
never could happen, but we keep trying
For mothers the feeling of not enoughness - is acute
The doubt generated by these artifacts can be undermining
I am as prone as this self blasteration as the next person
any sign of conflict and challenge, i would ferociously scan
my own mistake
have i been too tough or too indulging
have i been too absent or too present?
--------------
u have somehow not done enough for your kids
or you have done everything wrong and they are now paying the
price for your neglicence or poor decision making
many of us feel this intensely
----------------------------------
you can become convinced if you pull back even a little, you
failed to do something, you will potentially doom your child
----------------
parental anxiety - michelle's own mom
what she offer is perspective and presence
engaged listened, someone who can banish my fear to the back
of the room or reign me in when i am a little 'extra' with my fretting
important to always presume the BEST about children
that it is preferable to let them live up to your hope
than live down to your worries
grant trust than making them earn it
on the spot reality check
whatever
that was happening is not a failure but developmentally appropriate and within
the realm of expectation and I have done the same those dumb thing when i was young
I find that reassuring
those girls are all right
they are just trying to learn life
i too, was alright
i too, can calm down and trust my own judgment
1a. teach your kids to
eat by themselves
1b. teach your kids
how to wake up
how many minutes to get you out to school
tool or
challenge how to use it effectively become hers to figure out
mother not interested to whine
making it clear that her life is largely her own
2. it isn't about you
making parents out of business
deliberate undertaking on my part - learn to get our own feet
not just physically but also emotionally
singular goal - to render herself obselete
day to day practical tasks - her plan is to make herself not
needed
i am not raising babies, i am raising adults
whats the minimum i can do right now for them
self sufficiency matters above all else
we are operating on limited budget
time, money, food - need to be economical in all front
taught to appreciate what is given to us
teaching us to rely on ourselves to think clearly what we
needed is what our parents can convey
our parents cant give us shortcut, so parents give us skill
if our kids are to travel further than we have then they
would need big engine, not to mention the ability to do our own repair
our hands get in the way of their hands
she will show us how to do it, and quickly step aside
with the aid of step stool, dry the dishes
made our own bed
do our own laundry
daily practice of self reliance and problem solving
step by step of overcoming doubt and fear
until there is less overall to doubt and less to fear
easier to explore and discover
from one solid habit, can build more
first taste of power
mistake with chores
homework friends relationships
if u make a big deal, they will stop trying
none of it is tied to her own self worth or ego or done for
bragging rights
it is not about her at all
she is busy trying to wash her hands off us after all
her mood did not rise or fall on our victories
her happiness is not dictated by whether we come home with A
on our report card, whether Craig scored a lot in basketball games
when good things happened she was happy for us
when bad things happened she help us process it before
getting back to her own chores and challenges
the important thing
she loves us regardless we succeeded or failed
she lit up with gladness everytime we walked through the door
my mother remain quietly watchful over what was happening in
our life
she did not immediately offer to fight our battles
a lot of what we are learning was social developing skill to
understand who do we want to surround ourselves with, and on whose voice we
allow into our head and why
when she could, she found time to volunteer in our classroom
at school
which gives her useful window so she can recognise when we
truly needed help, vs when we need to just learning life
then she will sincerely ask 'do you need me to go in there
for you?'
she was pushing me to continue reasoning out the situation in
my head
how bad was it actually
what were the solutions
what could i do
this is how in the end, i usually knew i could trust my own
answer, which was - i think i can handle it
mom help me to puzzle out my own feelings and strategies
for dealings with them in part by giving
them room and taking care not to smother them with her own feelings and her own
opinions
if i get overly sulky about something i will tell her to do
one of her chores not as punishment exactly but as mean to rightsizing the
problem - get up and clean that bathroom she'd say it will put your mind on
things other than urself !!
inside our own home, she created a kind of emotional sandbox
where we can safely rehearse our feelings and sort through our responses to
whatever that is going on to our young life
she listen as we work through our problems out loud, whether
it was a math question or a playground issue, her advice when she gave it, tend
to be the hard boiled practical variety most often is a reminder to keep
perspective and to think backward to the end result we are hoping for to always
stay focused on that
once i was in high school not happy in dealing with a maths
teacher that struck me as arrogant. my mom heard my complain nodded
understandingly and shrugged you dont have to like your teacher and she doesnt
have to like you, but she has the maths in her head that you needed in your
head, so perhaps you should just go to school and get the maths
you can come home to be liked, we will always like you here
3. know
what is truly precious
not material, our body and soul are precious
our parents saw us each as different and treat us that way
they gear their parenting towards fostering our own indivdual
strength to drawing out what was best in us, rather than trying to fit us in
some pre-made ordained mould
respectful of our elders and abide some general rules, but we
also spoke our mind, always voice your thought
never feel they have to tip toe in their own home
establish basic rules and governing principles
making bed as soon as they are old enough to make their own
bed
------
how to proceed with our children
one that wants more guard rail from her parents, one that
want fewer
one that respond first to my emotion, and one would take my
word at face value
each kid has their own temperament, sensitivites, her own
needs, strengths and set of boundaries
and way of interpreting the world around her
we trust her to do her own thing
my moms timeless reminder
just calm down & trust my judgment
gradually learn to read our kids for cues, adapting what each
were showing us, trying to interpret their development to what we understood as
their own idnvidual gifts and needs
parenting - fly fishing - where you stand for hours eyeing for fish, practice your best
manouver by patience and perspective and
precision - in the end, the child you have will grow into a person they are
meant to be
they will learn life their own way
you will control some but not all in the way that it goes for
them
you cant remove unhappiness from their life
u cant remove struggle
what we can give to our kids - opportunities to be heard and
seen, the practice they need to make rational decision based on meaningful
values and consistency of our gladness that they are there
5. come home, we will always like you here
i got to bathe in gladness as a child, which gives me a
distinct advantage grew as a person
knowing what gladness felt like, i can look for more of it
seek friends and relationships and ultimately a partner who can
bring more light into my world, which i then try to pour into the lives of my
own children
the practice i have had in finding the light inside other
people - most valuable tool to overcome uncertainty and dealing in hard times
michelle needed her gladness
i am nothing but a grown up child myself, at the end of long
day, feeling worn out and a little needy looking for solace and acceptance and
a little snack
mother wise way build all of us
she lit up for us everydya so we can light up for others
she made us feel white house less like a museum and more like
a home
-------------------------------------
Its a wrap for term 2!
Remi's childcare establishing
Alexis's mental well being
Alexis's new friends start to be developed
Picked up a weekly routine for myself
Major backlog has been caught up - house, files - although still have some backlog to clear - refer to email
Consolidated food routine
Started backyard
Started my own weight loss plan
Done some work on my energy / breathing
Very beginning of career picturing
New in Term 3!
Carry on weekly routine on food
Accelerate on backyard
Serious on my weight loss plan
GOAL:
- Complete backyard
- Platter food in the afternoon
- Lose weight
There are certain points about ME that does not really qualify me as a 'normal' moms
Alexis, the beautiful person of who she is today, is no accident.
I believe I have nurtured a lot to have her brain development to grow very well.
I am determined to put the same amount of effort for Remi.
I must admit it is MUCH harder when you have to juggle between the two kids.
I tell myself. Three more years for Remi to reach 4.5, for her to reach to a reasonable person.
By then I will be 42 years old, good lord.
I want to put that much effort. But at the same time, I want to know I am doing well in life.
I also want to do my own stuff sometimes.
Is life suppose to be this 'full', this 'suffocating' sometimes?
My life has always been full, even before kids.
But I guess now, it need to be much more deliberate. More cut throat.
And more purposeful.
Alexis's food - seeking professional is my priority. Documenting that thoughts.
Remi - just spending quality time with her, growing together with her.
Admittedly, after hours, I do need other people to keep Alexis 'engaged'.
Remi can grow in terms of playdough creations.
Alexis can grow in terms of science experiments, fabric making, piano, etc.
I am sure both kids will continue to be busy/
And I want to continue to support them.
* * *
Do not waste the negative energy on people who is not worth your energy
I look forward the day where I stopped breastfeeding, more confident in spending my time with Remi, feed her well, feed both kids well.
I look forward to the day where Remi is front facing. That way we can travel to more places.
I am happy I got a friend - Renee, who is so similar to me.
I can only try, and keep trying.
* * *
I am proud that I give my kids so much kindness, so much autonomy.
So much teaching. I am protecting their energy.
Everyday.
I want to look after myself a little bit better.
* * *
Naturopath for myself
Counsellor for myself
Feeding specialist for Alexis